What quips, quirks, snafus and scandals does Pakistan’s future hold? Tazeen Javed time travels to 2018 and blogs about what makes the Land of the Pure tick – or is it explode? – in the coming decade.

Short-Order Fatwa

April 1, 2018

MURIDKE: The fatwa capital of Pakistan, Muridke, has been under the media spotlight for over a week. Muridke Institute of Instant Religious Decrees (MIIRD) has beaten Egypt’s Jamia Azhar and India’s Dar-ul-uloom Deoband for issuing the maximum number of fatwas. Unlike the other two institutions which are centuries old, MIIRD has surpassed the feat in just five short years. The institute prides itself on its speedy delivery of fatwas. This bastion of religious declarations is home to 225 scholars who address queries through a call centre that takes questions both via phone and online and responds to them in the shortest possible time.

The website of the institute very clearly indicates that every religious query will be answered in less than 180 minutes. The religious call centre is operated like any other call centre – scholars work on eight-hour rotational shifts. The scholar who issues the maximum number of fatwas in a month’s time gets selected as the scholar of the month and gets his photo streamed on all the televisions in the institute as well as on its website. Maulana Faish Hoshiyari has been selected scholar of the month for eight consecutive months and now has a 123 Facebook pages devoted to him with over a couple of millions fans to date.

Apart from the online fatwas, the institute is running a 24-hour religious TV channel called ‘Akhirat’, which not only helps in the proliferation of the aforementioned fatwas, but also airs other programs. One such program is ‘Banking: The Halal-Haram Dichotomy’, which repeats the premise that interest taken by other banks is haram but profit on investment taken by halal banks is perfectly fine.

Another important and highly rated program is ‘Halal Dating’, where religious-minded folks are hooked up under the ever-vigilant eyes of the Maulana, who is also the executive producer of the show. Another program that enjoys immense popularity amongst the masses is ‘Istakhara for all Seasons’. Not surprisingly, the program that has broken all records in religious TV viewing is ‘Halal Food Guide’, which combines two main passions of Pakistanis – food and religion. The cooking show features famous chefs who prepare food with halal ingredients. The food shown in the programs is also available across the nation at MIIRD restaurants called ‘Al Halal’. That is why the institute, at times, is affectionately referred to as ‘Fast Food Fatwa’.

Interestingly, the institute was the first religious school to go on Twitter and pioneered the custom of delivering the latest ‘fatwa of the day’ right into their subscribers’ cell phones.

In addition to adding their name to the Guinness Book of World Records for maximum number of fatwas, the institute has also pioneered the MIIRD clothing line which consists of topis, kifayas, pagris, burqas, hijabs, kurtas, and pajama designs. All born-again Muslim celebrities-turned-designers contribute to the line. It is believed that MIIRD will be the biggest clothing label in Pakistan soon. Moreover, the institute has just launched a chain of saloons where men can get their beards trimmed in true halal fashion while women can get their hair dyed with henna – in separate sections of course.

After completing taking over the Hajj and Umrah travel business, MIIRD’s board of directors are now planning to commence the first all halal airline, which will offer separate sections for male and female travelers and Jama’at prayer sessions for men during the flight. The in-flight entertainment programme will exclusively broadcast snippets from Akhirat, the institute’s television channel.

It is said that after achieving the feat of issuing the maximum number of fatwas and building an empire based on the Pakistani masses’ incessant need to seek religious approval for all things trivial, MIIRD will be taught as a business model at Harvard Business School.

When contacted, the CEO of MIIRD Empire, Al Haaj Mufti Sheikh Syed Maulana Mujawar, about being taught at Harvard Business School as a business model, a feat that no other Pakistani company or business plan has ever achieved, Mufti Mujawar said that he is extremely pleased to put Pakistan on the business map while serving his people and fulfilling their socio-religious needs. When it was pointed out that some segments of society are not too pleased with the instant fatwa empire and think that various – and at times, conflicting – fatwas are adding to anarchy in the society, the esteemed Mufti dismissed it as mere heresy. ‘Society is chaotic because it the natural state of being and peace can only be achieved in afterlife,’ he says.

Shoaib Akhtar: Conscience of the Superstars

April 1, 2018

LAHORE: The last remaining super star of Pakistani cricket, Shoaib Akhtar, is still battling it out with the Pakistan Cricket Board. When the TV cameras caught up with Akhtar outside the cricket board offices, he vowed to make it back to the team and shared with the media his new fitness regime, which consists of him walking 100 meters without either a walking stick or power enhancing drugs. He also blamed the board for his poor performance and lack of consistency and said that he spent a better part of the day getting the cricket board to pay his old unpaid medicals bills dating back to 2009 – as a result, he cannot concentrate on his game.

Apart from the long drawn out battle with the cricket board on unpaid medical bills, Akhtar is involved in 11 other cases and is being considered for an award for his role in keeping the lawyers community afloat. He is a joint contender for the award along with Justice Iftikhar Chaudhry, who has been fighting for a free judiciary for a whole decade. Of the 11 lawsuits that Akhtar has been fighting, one is against Kolkata Knight Riders for unceremoniously dumping him eight years ago. The team has changed ownership twice since then (Shahrukh Khan’s wife got the team in divorce settlement, but later sold it to Karan Johar. The erstwhile Mrs Khan was of the opinion that Johar can appreciate dirty, sweaty men a lot more than she ever could). But Akhtar is still battling on.

Other legal cases include, but are not limited to, a hit-and-run incident on Rawalpindi-Lahore Motorway, growing marijuana in his backyard and gifting it to neighbours’ under-age kids, two cases of assault against teammates, three paternity cases in two countries, and a couple of lawsuits against a cola giant for dropping him and causing him irreversible emotional damage. In order to pay for his ever-mounting legal fees, Akhtar has decided to auction his infamous bat with which he assaulted a former teammate. It is rumoured that the former teammate, who now supplies soft drugs to the whole of the Middle East since their legalization following 2010’s Dubai’s real estate market crash, will be buying that bat for nostalgic reasons.

Last but not least is his ongoing battle with the Indian judicial system, which has repeatedly denied his attempts at adopting an Indian orphan. It was almost nine years ago when Akhtar first revealed the intention to adopt a child from Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity. When asked why he singled out Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity, he said that as he was always partial to the name Teresa and would want it to be part of his adoptive child’s life. When contacted, a member of Indian judiciary revealed that it is not his history of violence and substance abuse that is hindering his chance at adoption, they are more concerned about the probable influence of Akhtar’s former teammates who are now running Hajj and Umrah tours and have close ties with Osama Bin Laden and Junaid Jamshed. It is heard that the state of Malawi slackened its adoption laws, especially for celebrities from far far away lands. Akhtar, being the philanthropist softie he is, does not mind adopting a child from Malawi, as long as it get the same media coverage as an adoption would get in Mumbai. Unfortunately, adoption agencies in Malawi cannot guarantee that as they do not take care of adoption-related PR. It is clearly stated in the standard adoption contract that the celebrity is required to arrange his own post-adoption press junket and cute baby photos.

Like the original playboy of Pakistani cricket, Imran Khan, Akhtar is also building a hospital. Unlike Khan, who built the hospital in honour of his mother who perished from cancer, Akhtar’s hospital would be devoted to cure skin diseases. It is still unknown if it is being built to honour a particular person or if it is something he likes to be associated with? Some detractors of the national hero said that there would be a special ward in the hospital for the ‘thick skinned’, to honour the cricketer himself.

Akhtar believes that he is the most misunderstood celebrity of our times and blames the cricket board and media for the PR debacle that is his life. Although many would disagree, Akhtar fills a huge vacuum in Pakistan’s media industry. We do not have people like Prince Harry and Paris Hilton, but we need people who can fill the air-time of local TV channels and serve as tabloid fodder. Akhtar is doing just that. Who can help but be charmed by such social service?