School of political nonsense
Blogger Tazeen Javed returns to The Dawn Blog to provide a weekly dose of satire:
Traditionally, students of politics are taught courses such as political theory, international relations, comparative politics, constitutional law, national politics, institutionalism and diplomacy among others. But in Pakistan’s case, most of these courses would be outmoded. Here, in this great country of ours, constitution and law is more of a joke. There is no rhyme, reason or theory to the politics on display and the less said about institutionalism, the better.
As a sophomore student, I remember studying courses on political ethics and the art of diplomacy, but in the current Pakistani political scenario, those courses are not only redundant, but the universities may be accused of imparting foreign influences to our students. If a university starts running a politics program to teach politics – Pakistan style – modern and newly-devised courses such as Political Opportunism and Political Anarchy would be more appropriate and students will have plenty of live examples to research and document. If a university takes this plunge and redesigns its curriculum, there are certain courses that would definitely make the final cut.
Instead of institutionalism, universities here should start teaching a course on Political Dynasties which could be popular in neighboring countries as well. Bhuttos of PPP are the most famous example although Khans of ANP are not far behind. The party has been passed on, from father to son, for three generations (from Ghaffar Khan to his son Wali Khan and now over to his son Asfandyar Wali Khan). Though these parties may be the pioneers taught about in Political Dynasties 101, PML-N and JUI – F takes the cake as the parties that are formed around the names of their leaders. It is open to wonder what will happen to these fine political institutions if there is no Nawaz Sharif or Maulana Fazlur Rehman around to ably guide and lead them.
Another popular course suitable for politics in Pakistan would be Political Suicide 101. We have all witnessed how former president of the country, Pervez Musharraf, was responsible for his own ouster. The civilian politicians couldn’t harm him much in the first eight years of his rule, but as soon as he overestimated his grandiosity and dismissed the CJ in an unceremonious manner, he brought about his own demise. Z.A. Bhutto is another fine example of political failure about whom, a certain Mr. Rushdie in his book Shame wrote: ‘Some men are so great that they can be unmade only by themselves.’ The current president, it appears, has not learned from the history and is hell-bent on making the same mistakes. Although he is not half as great as Bhutto and not as powerful as President Musharraf was in his heyday, it looks more likely that he too will be undone by himself.
Political Anarchy would be another appropriate course for students of politics in Pakistan. Currently, the biggest proponent for the school of Political Anarchy is Mr. Nawaz Sharif, who openly calls for civil disobedience among the civil servants and is aiming to push the country into further chaos. His reasons for doing so are, of course, purely personal and can only benefit him and his party. The rest of the country can go to the dogs. Meanwhile, Jamaat-i-Islami, with its history of long marches, remains the traditional flag-bearer of Political Anarchy.
The course on Political Authoritarianism has many contenders in Pakistan. The latest in line is the recently-deposed chief minister of Punjab, who, after assuming office, demolished the democratic local government set up and brought back Babu Raj to run a highly centralized government in Punjab. Previously, just about every leader who assumed power tried his/her hands at Political Authoritarianism; one such leader also wished to be called Amir-ul-Momineen before he was unceremoniously removed and relieved of his ‘Heavy mandate’.
The undisputed pioneer in the field of Political Communication has got to be MQM supremo Altaf Hussain. Hussain has been commanding his party in absentia since the early 90s, when he moved to the UK to live in self-imposed exile. Mr. Hussain has been taught as a case study in communication in modern politics in a few British universities and could be a good source on all methods of political communications. After all, he is the man who is said to be in control of a city as huge and chaotic as Karachi sitting in his office in London.
The other courses which can be taught as electives are courses on Political Inactivity, Political Nuisance and last but not the least, a course on Political Nonsense. After all, adherents of schools of Political Nonsense abound in just about every political party, big or small, in Pakistan.
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Tazeen Javed has lived most of her life in Karachi; so far no one has asked her to leave. She has worked as a journalist, teacher, salesperson, activist, tour guide, election observer, fruit vendor, copy writer and television producer in the past. She has wizened up since then and now only works for a living. She blogs at http://tazeen-tazeen.blogspot.com and can be contacted at http://tazeen-tazeen.blogspot.com and can be contacted at mazaqah Says:
March 8th, 2009 at 21:46
A course in the ethics of Pakistani politics i.e. Dadagiri, would be appropriate. We could be entertained by bullying championships at national and local levels and if the sports makes olympics we could be a medal contender.
Fantastic curriculum, Tazeen… who could be the Dean of this school? As for the art of communication skills in politics, Chaudhary Shujaat is the role model.
Hats off to the wonderful writing.
The part I liked the most is Political Anarchy, and so reminds me of Legendary Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight while he was saying, “Lets introduce some anarchy”.
How about something for the kids? Story about ‘Choron ka sardar dako’ as a bed time lullaby perhaps?
Civil disobedience has been some of the most effective ways in bringing about positive change. Just look at the Civil Rights movement in the US. In the beginning of the 20th century there were no labour laws. Children were working 85 hours a week. We all know how blacks were being treated. How do you think all of this changed? (Today we go there and study in their universities, and there is hardly any discrimination.) How did this come about? Not by the generosity of the governments; but, through efforts of political groups and people, mostly through civil disobedience. Whatever they stand for otherwise, the PML-N is calling for independence of judiciary. This is a cause noble enough for all of us to support. Where are we without justice? (exactly where we are now!). Satire is fine, cynicism is not. As an aside: Look at the Shahbaz Sharif’s contribution to Punjab. Do we have a parallel, anywhere else in the country, or in the past? I think not. (Just look into the projects that he has undertaken, and successfully completed.)
Pakistan has problems with anything starting with K. Kaid ki koshison se kayam kaum mein kaos started with Kabailies attacking Kashmir in 1947, then kashish of Kontroling Kandhar, kohraam in Karachi in 80s, karkul ke karidon ki Kargil mein kartooteIn, Karjai ka Kabul, kalishkanov kulture, khairaat ki kamai amreeka se aur abhi Kasab ka kafiron ka katleaam. Kolmbo ki kirket team kaise katee kaddafi staduim se- Kitni karhvi kahani hai. Khuda hafiz
Pakistan has problems with anything starting with K. Kaid ki koshison se kayam kaum mein kaos started with Kabailies attacking Kashmir in 1947, then kashish of Kontroling Kandhar, kohraam in Karachi in 80s, karkul ke karidon ki Kargil mein kartooteIn, Karjai ka Kabul, kalishkanov kulture, khairaat ki kamai amreeka se aur abhi Kasab ka kafiron ka katleaam.
Kitni karhvi kahani hai. Khuda hafiz
Jameel, what’s this about Imran Khan? Do you wish : Sexual harassment at workplace?
Imran is known for such digressions, so beware!
Absolutely hilarious and tragically so true. And yes, parallels can be found in India to.
Dont you think you might be sued by the oxford grammar school for having “great” and zardari in the same sentence?
Political nonsense and political nuisance would be most appropriate courses to be taught. Look what happened in Lahore on 3/3 and all they can think about is long marches and horse trading.
What about an online course in “Principles of Bhatta Budgeting”
India’s ruling party is Conress I also known as Indra Congress named after Indra Gnadhi. Even you know there was a Muslim League Shafi Group in Muslim League during the Independence struggle when Quaid e Azam demanded famous 14 Points.
PML-N and JUI – F takes the cake as the parties that are formed around the names of their leaders. It is open to wonder what will happen to these fine political institutions if there is no Nawaz Sharif or Maulana Fazlur Rehman around to ably guide and lead them.
I suggest a course in ” Visionless Leadership” based on case studies of our so called leaders or “Rahnumas” as reported by Urdu print and electronic media.
Look at their vision and sense of direction.
Some are taking revenge from the people of Pakistan in the name of democracy while the others are taking pride in “Sasti roti”.
Imran Khan has the credibility in social service as well as leadership credentials as the captain of Pakistan cricket team. But hsi party has no organization and Imran has failed to nurture tier 2 and tier 3 leadership in his party.
Time is ripe for change. Younger generation needs to take the charge and lead from front.
Quite a good amount of pessimistic political satire. Pakistan has more than its due share of problems but that has all to do with the continual military interventions. If the political process had not been disturbed by men in uniform, by now political parties would have moved on from personal center of gravities to ideological grounds and internal democratic processes. Blaming political parties to be the cause of political unrest and immaturity is just naivety in itself.
I think the suggestions are very practical. But i don’t see any daring professors around who can push for such a change.
I bet if you ask Asif Zardari to spell Politics, he wouldn’t be able to spell Politics even if you spotted him POL TICS. And this is not just about AZ. I can say that about any leader in Pakistan. Frankly, they have no intentions to better the Country, All they want to do is make their money while they are in power. All the Pakistanis know that, yet they vote for them and make them incharge. How dumb is that? Maybe that is why everyone in US thinks that Pakistanis are stupid. And I don’t mean the Americans in US. I mean all the Pakistanis in U S. (I’m not Lying) They laugh at you. All I have to say to Pakitanis is, It’s never too late. WAKE UP, take action and save your Country. Please save My Country. God is not going to help us unless WE take actions. Don’t just go about your business…. SPEAK OUT….
What? no mention of Baloch leaders and their political dynasties? No wonder Baloch feel left out in Pakistan. They are left out of satire as well.
Another course relating to the political history of the country can be taught under the title of “Demagoguery”. As by dint of demagoguery this peerless piece was founded on the planet earth and has been mostly run so far. It may help in seeing through the current situation.
lol at political suicide
Good job! Tazeen, love you for this! How right, it is almost a ‘prophecy’ – this your statement, “Political Anarchy would be another appropriate course for students of politics in Pakistan. Currently, the biggest proponent for the school of Political Anarchy is Mr. Nawaz Sharif, who openly calls for civil disobedience among the civil servants and is aiming to push the country into further chaos. His reasons for doing so are, of course, purely personal and can only benefit him and his party. The rest of the country can go to the dogs.” – Well, ‘congratulations’, he just did it! Hallo! This is Lahore calling!
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in all this chaos one often forgets the role that Jamat-e-Islami are playin. By the looks off it they are the only party who operates in a democratic way, now many might say that it is Qazi Hussein alone but u all are wrong.
None off Maulana Maudoodes son have any key position in the party. Along with that Jamat-e-Islami has a very active social programme in place which educates hunders of thousands of kids along with providing many citizens off this selfish nation with employment.
They dont like to either brag or use force hence they are considered as failed politicans. Any questions fire back freely