To Pakistani fans
Imran Yusuf offers advice to archetypal supporters of the Pakistan cricket team on the eve of the Twenty20 World Cup Final.
To the die-hard fan with an encyclopedic knowledge of Pakistan cricket who, every match, stares open-mouthed at the selection of Fawad Alam and asks, dumbfounded, ‘What is he doing there?’: Man, just get over it. It’s like the meaning of life, or one of Donald Rumsfeld’s ‘known unknowns’. Just resign yourself to the fact that some things are forever beyond the understanding of us mere mortals.
To the guy whose girlfriend has developed a really annoying crush on Shahid Afridi: An Afridi 50 means we’ll probably win the match and be World Champions. An Afridi failure means your girlfriend will go back to seeing him as a floppy-haired loser. For you, it’s a win-win situation, so stop worrying and love the Lala.
To the grand-father who keeps saying ‘Test cricket is the only cricket I’m interested in’: Nobody believes you anymore, you’ve watched every game in the tournament and every time you watch a Test match you fall asleep within 10 minutes. Also, don’t think we haven’t noticed you following the Women’s T20 World Cup…
To the nervous wreck who keeps saying that Mohammad Aamir is too young to take the new ball and also to bowl at the death: Stop looking at his age and look at his performances. He’s been superb. And in any case, he might not be 17. The ages of young Pakistani cricketers are as dubious as those of old Hollywood actresses.
To the pseudo-intellectual who despises sports, dismissing them as charades diverting the masses from their real struggles, and claims to be reading in his room but is actually listening intently through the walls whenever voices are raised: Nothing matches sport for epic drama, narrative complexity, bodily intelligence, psychological strength and sheer fun. So put down your Albert Camus novel and join us in the TV room. And for what it’s worth, Camus once wrote that ‘what I most surely know in the long run about morality and the obligations of men, I owe to sport.’ Oh, it’s not all sport you despise, only cricket? Well then, how about this from another certain favourite of yours, Harold Pinter: ‘I tend to think that cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth.’ Enough said.
To the Khala who barely watches the match because she’s continuously saying duas for the team: Pakistan cricket is not that important. Besides, God created everything for all eternity, so one imagines He probably enjoys Test cricket more than T20.
To the young Khala with a glint in her eye: I don’t mind you talking about the appeal of certain players in the team, but please try to use a word other than ‘dashing’ for Younis Khan. And yes, we know that Malik used to be cuter.
To the patience testing bore who spends most of the game, irrespective of the match situation, saying, ‘But you never, ever know with Pakistan’: Perhaps that’s true, but at least one always, always, always knows with you, and what you’re going to say. Put some chilli chips in your gob and shush up.
To the young man watching with his in-laws: This is your chance to let your hair down and release all that pent-up aggression caused by endless takalluf. Spew out gaalis, jump and shout. Enjoy yourself! For one night only your mother-in-law will turn a blind eye, and who knows, maybe your father-in-law will finally take a liking to you.
To the young woman watching with her in-laws: During the match your worst fears will be confirmed. You weren’t being paranoid – they really are that weird.
To the nice person who knows nothing about cricket but is curious by nature and has a genuine anthropological interest in what’s going on: Don’t ask. Not today. I’m not being rude, I just don’t think the Twenty20 World Cup Final is the time to explain why it’s not LBW when the ball pitches outside leg-stump.
To the uber-nationalist who thinks it’s all about Pakistan, that our side is blessed with unique divine talents, that we’re only really playing ourselves because if we play well nobody can stop us, and if the other team wins, it’s only because Pakistan had an off day: That’s somewhat conceited when the opposition includes Mendis, Murali, Malinga, Sangakkara, Jayawardene, Jayasuriya, Dilshan … (I’ll stop there. This is getting depressing.)
To British-Pakistanis: If we win, make sure you celebrate like there’s no tomorrow, because there probably won’t be for you. After blowing of all those horns, you’re all going to be locked up in prison for life on charges of noise pollution.
To the college student whose opinions seem suspiciously second-hand: We read Osman Samiuddin’s articles, too.
To the girl who loves to prove she’s one of the guys and (very loudly, so the whole room can hear), bemoans – and it is always a moan – Razzaq’s lack of pace and Kamran’s attempt to pull off too many pull-shots and Malik not clearing the field: We’ve noticed you only ever say negative things about the team – a clear case of trying too hard.
To the girl who really is one of the guys and actually knows her cricket inside out: Don’t worry about the girl above. We know who you are.
To the Pakistani-American kids who are here on their summer vacation and visiting family: Watch your language. Don’t say ‘pitcher’, ‘home run’ or ‘curve ball’, no matter how appropriate these parallels might be and however much they make you feel closer to your mother culture. Oh, and while we’re at it, it’s summer ‘holiday’, not ‘vacation’.
To the insecure middle-aged man who has always been indifferent about cricket and wishes he had more interest, but hasn’t watched a game since the last World Cup: Stop saying, ‘It’s ok. Misbah is still to come, he can win us the game.’ Just stop it. Misbah’s been awful all tournament and if nobody points this out to you, it’s because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.
To the serious Uncle who cautions against unbounded optimism and doesn’t believe we’re going to win even when we need 1 run off 38 balls with 7 wickets in hand: I know you’ve been burned by the Pakistan team so many times that you don’t want to make yourself vulnerable. But what’s the point of the game if you can’t loosen up and enjoy the moments as they’re happening? So chill out, smile with your family, cheer and chant alongside them. Be free. (However, this freedom does not extend to dancing. You are still not allowed to do that under any circumstances.)
To the guy who has recently found religion and now perceives it in everything he sees: When Pakistan win a match, it is not a victory for Islam and a triumph over infidels, just as, when we lose, it is not punishment from God.
To the Pakistani who is supporting Sri Lanka because of the wonderful time she had on holiday there, because the people there are so nice, and it’s a beautiful country: Why watch the match when there’s a direct flight from Quaid-e-Azam International to Colombo at 21.30? Oh, how we will miss you. Do send a postcard. Cheerio.
To the friend who masks his inner passion, nervousness and juvenile hope with an aloof demeanor and smart-ass one-liners: Stop being ironic about everything. It’s alright to lose your cool and admit your heart soars and leaps and does somersaults at the glorious sight of an Umer Gul run-up.
To all of us: In ‘Song of Myself’, Walt Whitman writes, ‘I also say it is good to fall, battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won.’ Win or lose, if our team play with passion and commitment, we should all applaud them for the heroes they are, and thank them for the joyous diversion they’ve provided over these past two weeks. (Yeah right! If we lose, see you at Liberty Market for a good old-fashioned dose of effigy burning.)
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July 7th, 2009 at 15:45
Seems like you’ve struck a chord with a few people! Brilliant x
July 1st, 2009 at 3:47
Encore! Do you want more
Bring on the boundary baby! Yeehah! The boy made it! SO PROUD OF YOU! SO PROUD TO BE PAKISTANI! Well done my brother
June 26th, 2009 at 15:19
Fab article Imran, I loved it – very identifiable and funny! Lookig forward to the next one!
June 25th, 2009 at 15:54
GREAT ARTICLE!!!!! =)
June 24th, 2009 at 17:24
BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!
June 24th, 2009 at 6:51
AWESOME READ!!! Loving the spirit!
June 23rd, 2009 at 16:15
know nothing about cricket but enjoyed reading it and LOL
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:21
Really good light piece.
June 23rd, 2009 at 0:28
Awesome and true article..
June 22nd, 2009 at 19:49
i really luvd the writing…imran
congratx to all pakistanis. this is a momment of blessings..such a big victory almost after 17years. and its also a momment of relief for the pakistanis who have been through the crises for more than 4 years long..hoping for the best in future
bestet of luck for the team..actually they are never 11 players but an addional 13th is there as well..n its the prayer coming from each pakistanis heart…luv criket luv pakistan..
June 22nd, 2009 at 16:18
Great Article!!!
Well done Brother!!!
June 22nd, 2009 at 16:13
Lol. Believe me it becomes even more fun with all these types of fans around. one tip: When you know Pakistan’s going to land safely on the victory stand, try being around a cynic. Thats the ultimate joy – give them those ‘See, told ya’ and ‘So what were you saying’ looks.
June 22nd, 2009 at 15:34
Very funny article! Great win for us. and Great article indeed
June 22nd, 2009 at 14:56
OMG. I’m not Pakistani n i don’t know anything bout cricket. But I love the spirit
cheers!
June 22nd, 2009 at 14:21
Haha, brilliantly written! Love this! Looking forward to more quality writing from you.
June 22nd, 2009 at 14:02
Never laughed this hard on an article…
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:51
Amazing article!!!!!! Really quality writing…. loved it
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:41
Amazing!… Felt like i could relate to this:P
*Applause*
June 22nd, 2009 at 10:39
Trully amazing man!..
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:45
Imran Yusuf needs to leave his day time job and start writing full time. It is much better to write such wonderful articles!
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:36
Fun Read,Savour the victory,it was long overdue, we know they will have more off days than we would like like, but thats the nature of the beast. I gave up on our team in 99, when we lost.A Great Day for Pakistan.
June 22nd, 2009 at 9:36
Allah has bless on us n on our team i pray they will play as same as they win that event .
June 22nd, 2009 at 0:15
Surprisingly great article
June 21st, 2009 at 20:49
awesome awesome article and very apt examples hahah
and right now. GOOOOO PAKISTAN. FIVE WICKETS ALREADY YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY
June 21st, 2009 at 19:49
nice article man..
June 21st, 2009 at 19:43
hilarious, hope sl win though.
June 21st, 2009 at 17:49
Imran Yusuf, u r genius!
Awesome write. Have shared the article on my site. Its all over FB too. People are loving it.
Great work sir!
June 21st, 2009 at 17:29
I loved this article. A very impressive treatise on Pakistani cricket!
June 21st, 2009 at 16:14
To my wife,
It’s okay to shout “OUTTTT” when Umer is bowling yorkers. Just focus on your cooking. Our neighbours doesn’t care. Don’t ask me for anything I am deaf now. I didn’t listen what you just said. When I say “yes” or “Okay” while I watch cricket doesn’t mean I accept that.
June 21st, 2009 at 15:58
One of the most original and humorous articles I have read on PAK cricket. Absolutely brilliant !!!
And I cannot agree more with the fact that win or lose we must stand up and salute the team that has brought us such great joy and revived our hopes for Pakistani cricket.
Pakistan Zindabad!
June 21st, 2009 at 15:58
Thanks Imran Yousuf!!
June 21st, 2009 at 15:32
Go Greeeeeeen…
I wish and pray that we do well in this game, outcome is not in our hand, we can surely work hard and give all that we can towards achieving the required results, rest depends on Almighty.
I would suggest that instead of having Fawad Alam wasted (without bowling or batting), they should either let him bat up the order and give him a license to attack, it fails we will still have people to cover. Or, add another batter to the side, Ahmed Shahzad maybe.
June 21st, 2009 at 14:20
What I liked the most in this article was the romance which writer has created, wonderful. All the best to Team Pakistan but lets be ready to accept the defeat with a big heart if green shirts lose as its the cricket and sport which has to win in the end.
June 21st, 2009 at 14:01
Great article dude….tks god there is a lighthearted article out there to make me less nervous…..can u imagine the nerves on the Pakistani players right now
:)
June 21st, 2009 at 12:55
Very very well written…
I could relate with most of the people u hv addressed in the article! All the best to the Pakistan team
June 21st, 2009 at 12:44
we pray for Pakistani team to win and once our players restore the down image of Pakistan in the world of cricket.
we wish them best of luck.
June 21st, 2009 at 11:54
Hilarious and creative piece of writing! Congrats to the Pakistani team for reaching the finals and as they say – May the best team win.
June 21st, 2009 at 11:50
Very good article. If Pakistan play aggressive cricket, they will win.
Like the poet said
Mita dey apni husti ko agar kuch martaba chahey
Ke dana khak mey mil kar gul-e-gulzar hota haye
My poem for Umar Gul
Jane na jane Gul hi na jane
Bagh to sara jane haye
SO Gul Swing and york you do as well as only you can
But it is wickets which will cheer every fan!
Razzak! Pace it up and fire! When you bat, take mendis and Malinga out of the attck or play every ball on merit
Afridi! Inshaallha you will get the fastest hundred here too!
Go Pakistan go!
June 21st, 2009 at 11:42
hahaha well said.. He is a true Die-Hard fan of Pakistani Cricket.
Iam not the guy whose girlfriend has developed a really annoying crush on Shahid Afridi or a pseudo-intellectual or a nervous wreck or a grand father or a guy who just became a TRUE muslim….
I am just a pakistani-Canadian who LOVE cricket and wants to see his birth country winning the World Cup.
People living in Pakistan desperately need a Good News at the moment and no matter where it comes from, and to see Pakistan winning the World Cup will put a BIGGGG smile on thier face.. and thats why we should win tomorrow, more than we ever needed to win before
June 21st, 2009 at 11:36
Brilliant article! Although Godforbid, we do not play well tomorrow, I’ll be angry enough to break my television! Our nation deserves some joy and I fully agree with the writer that irrespective of tomorrow’s outcome, Pakistan’s cricketers have done incredibly well to get this far
June 21st, 2009 at 10:02
I love it!
June 21st, 2009 at 9:55
Great read. We sure do come around these characters everyday.
June 21st, 2009 at 9:38
HAHAHAHA. Brilliant examples. Must admit after reading a few scenarios a few people I know actually popped into my mind, which made reading this even more hilarious. Well Done!
COME ON PAKISTAN!!
June 21st, 2009 at 9:35
Without intellectualizing by saying it is just a game, it is the attitude, positivity,constant focus and dedication to motivate self and teamates that leads you to have a taste of winning and it then leads to a self belief that goes long way in anyone’s professional
career!
“Good Luck Pakistan”
NM
June 21st, 2009 at 9:25
Play on playaz…Play on
June 21st, 2009 at 9:23
Very well written … and … interesting reading … however, I’d have loved reading it even more if you had not used some typical North American words … esp. the one that starts with “smart …”
Cheers …
June 21st, 2009 at 9:11
Awesome article.
Pakistan will Inshalla give a hard time to Srilanka. To me they have already won the world cup by sending SA home.
The pressure is on Srilanka and Not Pakistan. So do your BEST and the Nation is with you with Heart and mind.
Go Pakistan…..
June 21st, 2009 at 7:07
Hilarious read!
How come there isn’t an option to share this sh*t on facebook?
June 21st, 2009 at 6:51
You forgot to mention me in the list above. “To the 27 year old male who shed some tears after the semi final victory…” I wonder what i’ll do after they win inshallah. The people in my small town in California will probably call the cops if they see a guy holding a Pakistani flag out of his car.
June 21st, 2009 at 6:31
Superb………..very fun and very true
I would categorize myself as a cynic when it comes to the Pakistani team though not as bad as “the serious Uncle who cautions against unbounded optimism and doesn’t believe we’re going to win even when we need 1 run off 38 balls with 7 wickets in hand”
Lets hope it is a good game!(I dont wish to see Pakistan batting first then at 46 for 3 after 8 overs)
June 21st, 2009 at 5:41
Alam deserves to be in team
June 21st, 2009 at 4:41
an excellent article…brilliantly written!
June 21st, 2009 at 4:11
Great article. Hoping and praying Pakistan brings the T20 Cup home
June 21st, 2009 at 3:57
may the best team win…..
and if thats sri lanka so be it…..
after the attack in lahore they could have taken pakistan to the cleaners complained about everything but they did not ….
they supported us and although i wont be supporting them tomorrow i wont be unhappy if they do beat us
June 21st, 2009 at 3:56
Illustrious writing blended with great humour.
Kuchh bhee na kaha aur keh bhee gaye…
June 21st, 2009 at 3:51
Go Pakistan go !!!!!!. Hopefully Pakistan win the 20 20,but if they don,t Sri Lanka is our friend too.
June 21st, 2009 at 3:49
I just want to say that I am glad that Sri-
Lankans made it to the finals. They deserved
it–they are worthy opponents. Actually, they are more than that: they are kindred spirits. They have endured the same
kind of ordeal Pakistan is going through,
for over a quarter of a century. They got
bloodied, but are still standing, and so will Pakistan. We will overcome. This will
pass too. That plucky little Island’s example should inspire us.
I have noticed that the Western Media is
biasd against Sri Lanka, too, though to a
lesser extent, and without the venom that
it routinely mixes in its diatribes against Pakistan.
Whoever wins tomorrow, we are in for some
great cricket! Only this is going to be a
friendly rivalry. We are not going to need
any effigies. Our boys have done very well.
They have triumphed over mean-spirited bias
They have already earned a heroes’welcome.
June 21st, 2009 at 3:25
very acute observations, superb read!
June 21st, 2009 at 1:43
Well said my friend, well said!
June 20th, 2009 at 23:20
Pakistan must have to win this game because we want to show to the indian cricket team as well as to whole india that we are the champions of this century, no matter how the political turmoil bitting us in the middle.
keep going paki players we are with you just go through it !!
yeh cup yahin aay ga
June 20th, 2009 at 23:01
Imran,
You are a very good writer. Keep writing.
June 20th, 2009 at 22:46
I really like Pakistan win this time as I am a great fan of Younus Khan and Misbah-Ul-Haq, especially Younus Khan who plays the game in a sportive way. Many of my friends here in India like Younus Khan. He like Inzi bhai, Sachin bhai and Adam Gilchrist is a genius of cricket and I would like him lift the cup.
Vairamuthu, Coimbatore, Tamil Nadu, India.
June 20th, 2009 at 22:42
Great article
June 20th, 2009 at 22:26
it is really beautifully written………i jst cudnt stop lovein the writer…..hope pakistan wins …….all our prayers are with the team
June 20th, 2009 at 22:22
LOL hilarious indeed. I think every group of Pakistanis was covered.
June 20th, 2009 at 22:16
Godd job dude, you touched everone.
Win or lose, it will be a good game. I guess Imran Yusuf is a good observer.
In the end, we need to win to uplift the moral of Pakistani nation. It is the time and hopefully it may become a starting point towards the prosperity and change.
June 20th, 2009 at 22:11
What a superb article! I’ve not discovered anything yet that is more passinate than watching a game of cricket.
It is no surprise that the flare up between Australian police and Indian sutudents in the recent ‘curry bashings’ and resulting indignation have calmed down beacause of a simple but passionate ‘gulli cricket’ between Police and Indian students.
Good luck to Pakistan. The whole world enjoys and applauds a passionate game, well fought, no matter who wins or loses.
June 20th, 2009 at 22:09
By far the best article I have ever read! I’m not sure which category I fall into though.
June 20th, 2009 at 22:04
Win or Lose? What does this word lose mean? There is no such word in Pakistani Dictionary. Be smiling and enjoy the moment when the Pakistani team raises the 20/20 world cup tomorrow. Article well written, keep them coming and charge up us Pakistani’s in USA (Georgia). Also send a copy of the article to all our players to get them as charged up as we are.
June 20th, 2009 at 21:50
Excellent article……u have laid down the foundation for us…enthusiastic fans to take off….and enjoy every bit till the tense Final gets underway….By the way u forgot to include us..Pakistani Americans (Atlanta, GA. We are making arrangement to show in Huge Banquet Hall…making/sewing flags, painting faces, will be blowing horns, in short…transforming Banquet hall into a cricket ground…As one of our Atlanta based Airline (AirTran) slogan is “Go…There is no stopping you”. Go Pakistan go….grab the Cup…and take it to the people of Pakistan …..who seems to be very much in despair.
June 20th, 2009 at 21:26
This really made me smile and has a real “feel-good” factor built in. We should many more articles like on on various subjects and more on from the gloom and doom.
June 20th, 2009 at 21:23
Very refreshing indeed. Thanks for writing such an absorbing piece. Go Pakistan.
June 20th, 2009 at 21:09
Excellent writing.. funny, crisp and refreshing
June 20th, 2009 at 20:45
Only one word comes to mind after reading this article,……Brilliant!
June 20th, 2009 at 20:21
very well written. My only association to this game is hosting an event at our corporate hospitality box, serving excellent tall bloody Marys, frozen Margheritas coupled with my immense knowledge of cricket learnt from the short boolet ‘ Bluff your way through cricket’..and dare I say one has to dressed in that very chic ‘ retired cricket’ style….cricket has always been a social game, scoring and winning adds to the atmosphere…I have always backed the winning side!…Amer Mahmood
June 20th, 2009 at 20:19
An excellent entrE, a Joie de vivre moment,Let us enjoy it. Thanks Imran.
June 20th, 2009 at 19:36
It is nice to see South Asian’s again in the finals of world T20. Wish and hope that Pakistan’s team emerges as winners. Both are the tough teams and we are hoping for most exciting and entertaining finals. Congratulations and Good Wishes to Shahid Afridi’s team, sure they will not disappoint us the cricket fans of the South Asian sub-continent.
June 20th, 2009 at 18:58
Pakistan deserves to win. The came as rank outsiders but have shown tremendous mettle when it matters. My best wishes to the team of the tournament.
June 20th, 2009 at 18:50
I really hope Pakistan wins the final, as there has not been much for the pakistani people to cheer about of late.
June 20th, 2009 at 18:33
Haha good read. Thanks for that.
Now C’mon Team Pakistan. Win the cup please!
June 20th, 2009 at 18:27
I have so far predicted correctly both semifinals teams in my blogs in Vettoti episode and ‘Lala in limelight’ and also predicted Srilanka to reach the final and lift the cup before the last semifinals. Sorry folks that is what my intution says, but lets see what happens.
June 20th, 2009 at 18:12
Time has come when our time proved their worth against the lankans. it is not the matter of winning and losing. what really matters exclusively is the genuine spirit within our players that would lead them to win the hearts and minds of the nation. let us keep our finguers crossed for our inter-continental missiles to the right place at the right time. Afridi is our Lala…he is our Rocket…Pakistan Zindabad…forever…
June 20th, 2009 at 18:09
TO a blogger on Dawn.com who considers himself too creative
Well done bro.
June 20th, 2009 at 17:59
This is the first series after many years that i am actually noticing spirit in the Pakistani Cricket Team….good luck!
June 20th, 2009 at 17:58
Good luck pakistani team. Being an indian i supported pak team all through this tournament after a dismal performance by our team, the men in green are in superb form..they deserve this title.I wish them the success in the final.
June 20th, 2009 at 17:57
Pakistan will inshaAllah win the T20 final on 21st June 2009
and btw a very nice article ! infact a razor sharp observation ..
June 20th, 2009 at 17:38
Superb article….i am Indian but i love the pakistani cricket team…praying for pakistan to win the world cup..wid lots of love from India…
June 20th, 2009 at 17:07
Wonderful article. It made my day!
June 20th, 2009 at 16:50
And also, although you’ve written Misbah off but I’m sure the Srilankans would be very mindful of what he’s capable of. He’s had a change of role in the near past, going by the UAE series against the Aussies including the T20 there, but don’t be surprised if he’s saved it for the final. To me Pakistan is now playing the best available 11, but again its a matter of opinion.
June 20th, 2009 at 16:47
haha…hilarious….i am sharing dis on fb
June 20th, 2009 at 16:35
You lost me with your opening para. You’re unfairly hard on poor Fawad. Somebody with “encyclopaedic knowledge of Pakistan cricket” would also know that he is coming off a brilliant domestic T20 tournament, where he played at number three for the Dolphins (120 runs at 60.5, his over all T20 in domestic competitions is a touch over 42 and he was the player of the series in the inaugural tournament). The fact that he has not been needed so far in the tournament doesn’t make his presence any less important to the composition of the team and only speaks volume about how good a team player the lad is. Besides he’s a brilliant fielder and has virtually been every where on the field when needed. Who’s this guy with second hand opinions now? The rest of the article was very good though!
June 20th, 2009 at 16:08
Haha Funny
June 20th, 2009 at 16:05
Just loved it …
We will win inshallah
June 20th, 2009 at 16:01
It’s hilarious..us…us…us..us. I cannnnnnn’t stop laugh……………ing
June 20th, 2009 at 14:58
pakistan sure win in the final
June 20th, 2009 at 14:01
Sri Lanka will be tough to beat, but at any given day, Pakistan could do anything.
June 20th, 2009 at 13:36
simply hilarious and an excellent read
June 20th, 2009 at 13:20
Wonderfully written piece by a true fan, Don’t mind if I share this on FB
June 20th, 2009 at 13:06
Amen to all the above mentioned, and for all of you who may think winning isn’t all, it’s everything.