It was the autumn of our disconnect. Meddle Earth – also called North America and/or Hollywood – was struck by a tragic catastrophe: its leader, the very popular and articulate, George W. XYZ, lay in his TV lounge choking on a banana. It was a gift given to him by the High Priestess of Kabala, Mama Madonna, on her return from the dark heart of Africa where she had adopted 1,600 starving young Michael Jackson wannabes.

Seeing their master choke on the banana, George’s two dogs, Walt and Disney, ran for the phone. Walt picked up the receiver, while Disney dialed 911. Or at least they tried. But they would get 911 of another kind.

The banana had travelled past George’s Adam’s Apple, when George’s friend and fellow reborn-Buddhist, Dick Van Winkle – an apparently senile but wily ol’ sorcerer – entered the room.

‘George,’ he said. ‘Cough! Cough!’ coughed George. ‘George, we have been attacked!’ said Dick. ‘What?’ said George, and plump! Out came the banana. ‘Gee, George,’ said Dick. ‘What in the good Lord’s name is that?’ ‘Madonna … I mean, banana!’ George replied. ‘You said we were attacked?’ ‘Yes, George. Attacked!’ ‘In Iraq?’ ‘No, George, in New York.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yes, George, really.’ ‘No, I mean, you are serious, right?’ ‘Yes, George, I am serious.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yes, George, really.’ ‘I see. So, what are you going to do about it?’ ‘You’re the President, George.’ ‘I am?’ ‘Yes, George, you are.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yes, George, really.’

Foxed News confirmed that the city of New York had been attacked. The highly objective and sober channel reported that the city’s two landmark buildings, the Tin Towers, had been attacked by a couple of flying camels.

The network’s correspondent who was at the disastrous scene of the dastardly attack and was himself devastated by the depressing episode said that two flying camels were seen in the sky just before the attack, and then suddenly they rammed themselves into the two buildings.

Al-Kabeera TV started running exclusive footage of famous Arab philanthropist, Osama Bin Ladee’da, showing him discussing the fine points of Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk in the singer’s 1983 video of ‘Billie Jean’. In passing, Osama was also heard praising the camels for their heroic, paradise-bound deed in New York: a city where Osama once worked as an aspiring ballet dancer in the 1970s.

‘Really?’ said George. ‘Yes, George, really,’ said Dick.

Only a few days after the dastardly, disastrous, devastating and depressing attack, America’s two leading intelligence agencies, Dumb and Dumber (a.k.a. CIA and FBI), released information on the flying camels. According to the agencies, a total number of four camels took part in the attack – the other two had rammed themselves in the Octagon Building in Pennsylvania and Annie Whitehouse in Washington DC.

All the camels, it was said, came from a sprawling camel farm in the peaceful and democratic Scandinavian country of Afghanistan. The farm was said to be owned by Osama’s international charity organisation called Al-Fido – named after Osama’s beloved German Shepherd whom, nevertheless, he shot dead when he left ballet dancing and instead embraced bullet dancing (in other words, armed philanthropy), which forbids keeping dogs as pets. Instead, Osama had started raising camels, goats, lamas … and wives. Lots of them.

The camels belonged to the liberal and freewheeling country of Saudi Arabia and had arrived in Meddle Earth by Euro-Train, which they had taken from a station (at gunpoint) in the dazzling cultural capital of the world: Mogadishu, in pretty Somalia.

The camels had then gotten wings fixed on the sides of their humps in Disneyland in Florida. They were financially supported by Osama’s Al-Fido organisation throughout their groovy stay in the US of A where they also attended a couple of Britney Spears concerts and a few baseball games, all the while planning their attack over loads of lollipops (at the concerts) and an equal amount of (halal) hotdogs at the baseball games.

Concerned that the camels were being assimilated by the wicked ways and culture of Meddle Earth, Osama’s contact in Meddle Earth, Country & Western singer, Noam Chomsky, gave them a long lecture on the cultural dynamics of linguistics, which the camels had found to be rather boring.

Anyway, Dumb and Dumber claimed that Osama’s camel farm in Afghanistan also had illegal naswar labs. Naswar is a very strong green colored Pashtun snuff which is popular in Afghanistan and Pakistan. One of the leading naswar brands in these countries is called The Taliban®.

Though banned all over the world, The Taliban® remains to be the largest selling naswar brand in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Indeed, naswar was only recently banned in Pakistan after it was said to have induced wild hallucinations in young users, making them see 72 nymphs floating in the sky seductively demanding that the young naswar addicts chop off heads and blow up mosques and schools. Across the country, the users of The Taliban® naswar brand started to do as much, all in the name of charity, philanthropy and hooire.

Dumb and Dumber explained that Osama had made huge investments in The Taliban® naswar brand, and that the CEO of The Taliban Naswar Corporation©, One-Eyed Jack, had connections in Pakistan’s intelligence agencies: Tom and Jerry (also known as the ISI and FIA).

‘Really?’ said George. ‘Yes, George, really.’ Said Dick.

Pakistan had been bombing itself into the Stone Age for long, so George threatened its leader, General Musharraf Schwarzenegger, a carefree mountaineer famous for scaling the rocky hills of Kargil, that Meddle Earth would bomb Pakistan out of the Stone Age if the general didn’t support Meddle Earth in its attack on Osama’s camel farms.

Fearing that getting out of the Stone Age would deprive Pakistan of glorious military dictators and Hakeem Aamir Liaquat, Musharraf agreed to support Meddle Earth’s operation in Afghanistan.

Musharraf’s decision was supported by Pakistan Muslim League-Quagmire (PMLQ) and indirectly by tiny political parties such as the PPP and MQM. However, two of Pakistan’s biggest, most popular and landslide-election-winning political parties – the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Imran (PTI) and the Jamaat-e-Salami (JS) – severely criticised Musharraf’s decision.

Pakistan Muslim League-Saudi (PMLS), a tiny party in the dusty Pakistani town of Jeddah in the impoverished province of Punjab, also accused Musharraf of selling-out.

‘Nothing and no one can dare pull Pakistan out of the Stone Age!’ said Imran Khan and Qazi Hussain Ahmed in a press statement. They added that enjoying Taliban® naswar brand is the right of every Pakistani and that of their brothers (but not sisters) in Afghanistan.

Even though Meddle Earth let Pakistan retain its sacred Stone Age status, it attacked Afghanistan. But it soon realised that Afghanistan was merely a large, useless lump of rock, and therefore bombing it out of the Stone Age won’t make an iota of difference.

In frustration, George ordered an attack on Iraq saying that Iraqi dictator, Aladdin, was funding renegade Red Indians who wanted to take back the American continent.

Today we mark the eighth anniversary of the dastardly attack on the Tin Towers. But so much has changed. As can be seen in various insightful Oscar-winning documentaries made on the subject (such as the brilliant Loose Exchange), and groundbreaking research conducted by eminent scholars and intellectuals such as Prof. Zion Hamid, Dr. Shahid Barood and trillions of their PhD followers on YouTube, we now know that the whole attack was a hoax; a conspiracy against Islam, Pakistan and the wonders of the Stone Age by the Illuminati, the Third Generation of the Elders of Zion, Mr. Spock and Dr. Phil.

Looking back, we should ask the following vital questions about the attack:

1: Why didn’t American jets intercept the camels? 2: Where are the humps of the camels? 3: Why weren’t there any Buddhists in the buildings that day? 4: Were the camels actually space ships (from Planet Zion)? 5: Who am I? 6: Why are we here? 7: Who invented the light bulb? 8: Why, you, naughty boy, you …? 9: WTF?

The above are only just a few potent questions out of the millions – 3.4 million to be precise – that have arisen. All of them are leading to a singular truth, and that is: ‘I am a disco dancer, I am a disco dancer …’

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.