Wajahat S. Khan thinks that everyone should read the complete Kerry-Lugar Bill and come up with his or her own conclusions. In the meantime, he takes a satirical look at the one hundred and eleventh Congress of the United States of America (a.k.a. everyone’s best friend with privileges).
Begun and held at the city of Washington on Tuesday, the sixth day of January, two thousand and nine (were you expecting us to throw in a reference to 9/11? Don’t. We’re over that stuff. We’re taking it to the next level now).
An Act to authorise appropriations for fiscal years 2010 through 2014, to promote an enhanced strategic partnership with Pakistan and its people, and for other purposes (which may include everything from diplomatic coercion to precision drone bombing to yes, you guessed it, lots and lots of Fulbright Scholarships to Harvard and Yale).
Be it enacted by the Senate (100 old guys) and House of Representatives (200 and something not-so-old guys who are not as smart as the 100 old guys) of the United States of America in Congress assembled.
Definitions (because the rest of you will obviously not understand it unless we lay it out, as that’s what our battle hardened/special-interests/affairs-with-college-going-interns background has taught us about you).
(1) APPROPRIATE CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES: Except as otherwise provided in this Act, the term ‘appropriate congressional committees’ means the Committees on Appropriations and Foreign Relations of the Senate and the Committees on Appropriations and Foreign Affairs of the House of Representatives (these are the chosen few among us hundreds of old guys who will be doling out the cash – your mission is to be nice to us and buy us gifts under US$100 or send us cards on Christmas, but what we really want is for you to fund our campaigns via lobbyists before that Obama dude comes up with some new ethical rules – this new Nobel thing is only going to encourage him).
(2) COUNTERINSURGENCY: The term ‘counterinsurgency’ means efforts to defeat organised movements that seek to overthrow the duly constituted governments of Pakistan and Afghanistan through violent means (frankly, we would prefer to call this entire damn place Chaos-istan, but our fancy K-Street PR guys say that’s not gonna go down too well with you lot).
(3) COUNTERTERRORISM: The term ‘counterterrorism’ means efforts to combat Al Qaeda and other foreign terrorist organisations that are designated by the Secretary of State in accordance with section 219 of the Immigration and Nationality Act (8 U.S.C. 1189), or other individuals and entities engaged in terrorist activity or support for such activity (just give us Osama, okay! We know that he’s probably hanging out in Dearborn, Michigan, selling Falafel with diet tahini sauce to overweight wrestling fans, but just give him to us – figure out the details with Zawahiri, who you can find at the Columbia School of Journalism in uptown New York City, teaching online media and the art of uploading to all those save-the-world grad students).
(4) FATA: The term FATA means the Federally Administered Tribal Areas of Pakistan (51st state is so overdone as a catch phrase, don’t you think…but don’t tell the local Pathans what we think…we’ve heard they have some funny habits and we’d rather they stay in Wana than immigrate to Chelsea or San Francisco).
(5) FRONTIER CRIMES REGULATION: The term ‘Frontier Crimes Regulation’ means the Frontier Crimes Regulation, codified under British law in 1901, and applicable to FATA (yeah, that’s gonna be the first thing we change when that 51st state status goes through for FATA).
(6) IMPACT EVALUATION RESEARCH: The term ‘impact evaluation research’ means the application of research methods and statistical analysis to measure the extent to which change in a population-based outcome can be attributed to program intervention instead of other environmental factors (this one is really fun and interactive: basically, we will run sample surveys and polls to gauge the mood in the place. Fun questions like ‘Yankees or Red Sox?’ and ‘Blonde or redhead?’ will be asked to gauge the real change in the mood of the local population as we culturally de-link them from that traditional tribal stuff and shift their attention from riffraff issues such as polio eradication and local government…By the way, the money for these polls and surveys will come out of that big bundle of cash we’re giving you…efficient, eh?).
(7) MAJOR DEFENCE EQUIPMENT: The term ‘major defence equipment’ has the meaning given the term in section 47(6) of the Arms Export Control Act (22 U.S.C. 2794(6)) (that means all those guns and planes we are not using and you will probably want to use, but will not be able to use unless you ask us for permission before using them).
(8) NWFP: The term ‘NWFP’ means the North West Frontier Province of Pakistan, which has Peshawar as its provincial capital (okay, we know this is touchy, and you guys are super sensitive about the sandals and the kebabs from this joint, but we will probably have to take it over too. We’ve heard great things about the local hospitality – that’s why we thought we would invest in that Pearl Continental building bang in the middle of the city; the view is great, we’re just two checkpoints away from the NATO supply route on the Torkham Highway, and all our Private Military Contractors will be shacked up together).
(9) OPERATIONS RESEARCH: The term ‘operations research’ means the application of social science research methods, statistical analysis, and other appropriate scientific methods to judge, compare, and improve policies and program outcomes, from the earliest stages of defining and designing programs through their development and implementation, with the objective of the rapid dissemination of conclusions and concrete impact on programming. (Frankly, these are more polls we will conduct and you will pay for, but the questions are going to lead to even more conclusive, insightful answers. For example: How many times a day do you pray for Predators and Reapers to stop smashing your sordid, stone age FATA village to bits? Answer: one, two, three, four, or five?
Hint: It’s a trick question! The real answer is ‘Never,’ but we want to differentiate the really sad victims from the marginally indifferent ones. Fours and fives will be shipped off to the new Gitmo. Threes will be trained to take on the role of the local, USAID-dependent clergy. Twos will be empowered to become local government leaders and warlords managed by foreign intelligence agencies. And the ones will just disappear, thanks to our boys from the firm formerly known as Blackwater.)
(10) SECURITY FORCES OF PAKISTAN: The term ‘security forces of Pakistan’ means the military and intelligence services of the Government of Pakistan, including the armed forces, Inter-Services Intelligence directorate, Intelligence Bureau, police forces, levies, Frontier Corps, and Frontier Constabulary. (Hmmm…we’re still thinking about what to do about these guys. We will revert after we dig up all those files from the Ayub, Zia and Musharraf eras. Those guys were so easy to deal with; a little trip to Camp David, a little dinner and dance at the White House, and that’s it – we landed SEATO, CENTO, the anti-Soviet jihad and the 9/11 u-turn in less time than it takes for a trip from Islamabad’s Diplomatic Enclave to the Marriot Hotel Lobby! But these new guys…grrrr!)
Wajahat S. Khan is a senior anchor and producer for DawnNews Television.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
You guys write all this about patriotism and honesty, but really look at yourself, you leave the office, you get a traffic violation, you bribe the policeman without giving it thought that any and all acts of dishonesty is hurting your country and you. The sad thing is you guys are doing it to yourself.
We Pakistanis are emotional and seldom seriously ponder over before making some decisions.Chanting empty slogens and making tall claims is our culture. Are we really that much patriot as the people claim, then why the country is plunged in innumerous problems,most of which have been created from within the country and by segments of our own soceity.Hue and cry over Kerry Luger Bill is not for love of the country. Pakistan is in need of money to sustain itself economically.It is pity no one has suggested an alternate course.We are fed up with rhetorics and firey speeches, their significance is not more than a water buble.A mole of action in the right direction is better than mountain of empty slogens.It is the time to think about forming all parties government.
Such adhoc measures are only temporary solutions and lead towards a slow death.
I wish the past adminstrator has invested the money in the welfare of people and not in bombs. They did not display the long term wisdom. Bombs cannot save a nation, Russsia had many bombs.
Giving up the bomb has a price now, let us not wait till we loose both bombs and the sovereignty.
Trying to stand on your own feet as a proud nation is better than having bomb but living in chaos of hunger, lawlessness and a bleak future.
The intellectuals, think tanks and people should take charge and force the leadership towards long term solutions.
Brilliant!!!!
We have no option but to accept KL Bill. Beggers can’t be choosers.
Pakistan should not accept any conditions whatsoever as we pakistanis are already paying the price for fighting the war. The aid ( better support) should be unconditional. This aid should not be treated as do or die thing.
Finally, In the interest of Pakistan, Parliament must go through each and every word of the KL-bill before finalizing its acceptance.
Excellent! Loved the bit on the interpretation of strategic partnership (ie. more scholarships to Harvard and Yale)!
All the comments above have nothing to educate even a learned man about the kerry-Lugar Bill. .they are all very shallow & non-serious.
The best I have read is that of MR IRFAN HUSSAIN. ..very constructive & very well analysed article on the KLB.
There is no such thing as free lunch. You accept aid, there will always be conditions, whether one likes it or not. United States just wants to make sure that the aid given is used for the specific purpose for which it is given.
Pakistan should learn to surview on its own resources instead of depends on foreign aid. It is very shamful for every pakistani.
Wow what a reality check! Deconstructing American rhetoric! Why didn’t we think of that one before! Good Job WSK
As the Kerry-Lugar bill passes another burden of bearing hardships come across.This is nothing,but,an adverse agreement for Pakistan.
The biggest conditions that applies through this bill is the requirement on Pakistan to:
Dismantle the Nuclear equipment supplier network
Not utilize any funds from own resources, freed up as a result of the said US Aid, towards enhancement of the nuclear weapons program
These conditions effectively dictate Pakistan to freeze it’s nuclear weapons program.
The mentioned US Congressional committees and/or the Secretary of State has to provide annual certification that pakistan is complying with these requirements before the funding for the next fiscal year is approved.
This is not acceptable to any Pakistani…..
We have seen how the US operates once it’s interests are served……… we have 60 years of data on that already.
I have read the bill over and over again. I just want to ask that if US is going to give military aid other than $7.5 billion then why dont they put conditions on it and make it binding for them? Well if its for the people and they want the trust deficit to go away, then why add further fuel to fire on the issue. As per their own estimate, majority are against US then why give people another excuse of bashing again.
Every one makes use of theories or assumptions and start their deliberation to conclude which one is the best. Some of such theories include:
A. Our US ambassador in Pakistan Mission in US
B. Indian External affairs and Security Adviser was in US before passing of the bill
C. Indian Caucus and lobby is more strong and thus able to put these conditions
D. To top that Zardari another US man wants PML and other parties of his back because of NRO, 17 Amendment and so on
E. The Nuclear issue in the bill has further fueled the speculation that US is after all trying to get to our nuclear assets.
F. Statement such as Taliban are not a threat, their are 100 Al-qaeda in AF rest in Pakistan and US needs to focus on it (white house report/white paper available on net post the Military Assessment in AF)
G. Recent Intel estimates that Taliban are no longer using Pak border as safe heaven and are well into Afghanistan its just their supporters ………..
Opposing viewpoints by analysts in the media are further adding to the confusion.
I like this bill, since I know from experience bills are meant to be paid for all the services rendered, and materials supplied. But the problem is on how to persuade the mullah
priests – who are used to receiving – to pay up for once.
Kulamarva Balakrishna
Vienna,12-10-2009
Details of the bill don’t matter, it ‘enforces’ peace and that’s the problem. The govt seems to be a party to the bill perhaps to use it as an instrument to control the army but that’s just a hope. We wish its true and that the pak govt succeeds.
The bill is readily available if you just google it.The interesting thing is that people in India thought that this bill was a big win for Pakistan. Why? Not a single condition applies to the $1.5 billion aid. The conditions simply apply to security aid which is to be covered in this bill. In other words, all big words and conditions are used in the bill to satisfy the American public but they do not in any way affect the aid mentioned in this bill.
I heard some of the politicians say, no such conditions apply to India so why should they apply to Pakistan? The fact is India does not get any security aid. If Pakistan does not want any security aid, it does not have to accept any conditions either. That is the choice that Gen. Kayani has to make. But the $1.5 billion aid committed for 5 years (Rs. 62500 crore rupees) in this bill is completely unconditional.
It is fine for the Pakistani politicians to call it peanuts but the schools, hospitals, power plants etc. that this aid would be used to build – who can say that the country does not need them?
its an interesting article….. Kindly publish it in some journal or daily dawn so that everyone could read it and take action on it…..
so.. just wondering.. where can we find this bill to read it ourselves?