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Extra! Extra!

Extra! Extra!

Islamabad, November 18: Famous anti-India TV personality, Zion Hamid, was caught yesterday watching Shakuntali, a popular Indian TV soap opera. The discovery was made by one of his fans who Hamid thought was his milkman.

When Hamid opened his door, the fan heard and saw the TV in the background where episode No. 5, 904 of Shakuntali was running. Talking to this reporter, the fan said that he first thought it was a conspiracy, but after noticing the genuine red cap of Hamid, he was astonished.

Shaken, the fan, 23-year-old Abdul Karim, said: ‘I couldn’t believe it! What would Muhammad Bin Qasim think when he gets to hear about this?’

When told by this reporter that Qasim died hundreds of years ago, the fan accused him and his newspaper for working for Blackwater.

‘What you think you fool Mossad, CIA, Raw agent Qasim alive in our minds, hearts and lungs so oh you shut up!’ he added.

Talking to the media after the episode, Hamid accepted that he sometimes watches Indian soaps and that even though he is of the opinion that Hindus are paleed (dirty), there is no harm in watching them on TV because they can’t touch you and can’t cast their shadow over you.

He added that he also watches Indian soaps to decode the hidden plots of the Hindus to destroy Pakistan and Islam.

‘It was by decoding the dialogue of one such Indian TV soap that I was able to discover that the Mumbai attacks were actually planned and executed by Raw and Mossad,’ he explained.

He also said that he predicted the 9/11 attacks as a Zionist conspiracy back in 1996 by watching Dil Walay Dullaniya Lay Jain Gey on his VCD player over and over again.

‘It’s all there,’ he claimed. ‘And the songs aren’t all that bad either.’

Hamid was surrounded by a vocal group of fans at the press conference.

One Barkat Ali told the reporters: ‘What this happening? Attacking great man Zion, oh so brilliant genius zindabad, zindabad you kafir Western conspiracy US agent traitors fool, fool, fool!’

Another, Sharmeen Khan, a 25-year-old university student added: ‘What this nonsense of democracy because it only Hindu, American, Zionist, Papua New Guinnean plot to destroy beloved Pakistian zindabad, zindabad, zindabad!’

Kamran Ghani, a seven-month-old toddler also addressed the press conference. He said, ‘Goo goo gagagaga goo goo … burp!’

The fans then lifted Hamid on their shoulders and carried him to a nearby McDonald’s outlet where they all chanted slogans like ‘Amreeka ki ghulami namazoor’ over a couple of Big Macs, large Cokes and a romantic song sung by Wali Azmat called, ‘I hate Jews Yea, Yea, Yea,’ a song from Azmat’s forthcoming album, ‘Zionists ate my Homework.’

The album is dedicated to all the Taliban who died in American drone attacks. When asked why didn’t he also dedicate the album to all those who’ve died from Taliban’s suicide attacks, Azmat said, that there were no suicide bomb attacks in Pakistan and that all those people we see slaughtered and dismembered on our TV screens actually died from dengue fever. When asked how he can prove this, he said that one should watch the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

‘It’s all there,’ he claimed. ‘And the chicks aren’t all that bad either.’

Meanwhile in Lahore, Tehrik-e-Imran chief, Insaaf-e-Khan lauded Zion Hamid’s efforts for decoding vital truths about Hindu conspiracies from Indian soap operas.

Talking to a group of rabid rightwing columnists at his residence, the great Khan said that Pakistan was in great danger from all kinds of plots being hatched by its enemies, especially Asif Zardari Bhutto Zardari Bhutto, Bilawal Zardari Bhutto Zardari, and the ghost of late Benazir Bhutto.

‘This government is sucking the blood of poor Pakistanis,’ he told the rabid rightwing communists all of whom then started to sing the national anthem in unison.

‘This government has sold Pakistan’s strategic and political interests to America!’ Khan added, to which the rabid rightwing columnists started burning George Washington and Abraham Lincoln’s effigies.

Praising the columnists’ bravery, Khan promised them to meet again after he returned from New York where he will undergo a cheekbone operation.

The columnists informed him that they too will be in New York for sightseeing, except for one, who got up and started burning Henry Truman’s effigy. He was the one who failed to secure an American visa.

Khan termed this to be racial discrimination and a CIA conspiracy.

Later in the day, the issue was discussed on a famous TV talk show on a local news channel.

Participating in the show were the incensed columnist, a rabid rightwing reporter, a PPP Minster, and a woman in a burqa.

‘This is an outrage!’ said the reporter. ‘Blackwater is behind this,’ he announced.

When asked how he knew, he picked up a Class One children’s nursery rhymes book and claimed: ‘It’s all here. And the rhymes aren’t all that bad either.’

The PPP Minister, Rehman Malika Zardari Bhutto Zardari, promised that his government will look into the issue, to which the reporter landed a swift punch on Malika’s face.

When Malika’s bodyguards tried to stop the reporter, the talk show’s host accused the government of curbing the freedom of the press.

‘This is an outrage!’ he said. ‘I implore the Army to intervene, overthrow this incompetent government and impose martial law!’

Mr. Malika apologised and started to land punches on his own face saying that the government too believed in the freedom of the press.

This made the reporter very happy who asked Malika to raid book stores and confiscate all secular literature because solutions to Pakistan’s problems lie in jihadi literature.

‘It’s all there!’ he claimed. ‘And the topics aren’t all that bad either.’

Turning to the woman in a burqa, the show’s host asked if she agreed.

‘The real problem lies in women wearing jeans,’ she said.

The host asked her to elaborate, to which she said: ‘The real problem is in women wearing jeans.’

‘Yes, but can you please elaborate?’ asked the host.

‘The real problem lies in women wearing jeans!’ she said again.

‘Please elaborate,’ the host insisted.

‘But that’s all I was asked to say,’ she said.

‘By whom?’ inquired the host.

‘By you!’ she said.

‘This is an outrage!’ said Mr. Malika, and in response, the host punched him and proceeded to burn an American flag. He burned half of it and announced that the other half will be burnt later because he had to catch a flight.

‘To where?’ asked Mr. Malika.

‘California,’ said the host. ‘I have to attend my son’s graduation ceremony.’

nadeem_80x80 Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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323 Responses to “Extra! Extra!”

  1. Anand says:

    Hi NFP ,

    Good one …Keep it coming …

    Hope we have someone like NFP ( Pakistanis you are Lucky , India does have some people like Cyrus B in This Week That Wasn’t ,but NFP is miles ahead with style and content )

    NPF – Please do write about India / Indians / Bollywood …anything . Keen to see through you eyes , views and humor

  2. viciousV says:

    Keep up the good work dude. Hope to see more of your eye opening articles.

  3. ALI KHAN says:

    Haha, nicely written! it really gives the right picture! NFP rocks.

  4. omair malik says:

    Well I think Zaid Hamid would be watching that drama for some education.

    lol

  5. Junaid says:

    Brilliant. Fantastic piece of writing.
    Most of the people in Pakistan might not get it, but I agree with you completely; give peace a chance. :)

  6. ashok says:

    I think Zaid Hamid is has lost it.

    He is so full of ridiculous theories which are preaching hatred towards Indians.

  7. Faria says:

    This is really mean….but also really funny

  8. Shah says:

    Refreshing and it did draw a chuckle or two.

  9. A J says:

    Mr. Paracha, your attempt stands as an opinion shaping, eye opening piece.

  10. Saleem B. says:

    NFP you are priceless!

    Pity so many in Pakistan are in deep slumber!

  11. Urooj says:

    Seriously, it’s amazing what is being pandered to us as “cultural satire” these days. NFP is a pseudo intellectual if ever I saw one, who feels that just by making fun of something/someone will make him a satirist; NFP you need to do it tastefully, or make it funny at least. Better luck next time.

  12. Nehan Khalid says:

    OMG I am surprised honestly at your info about Indian dramas. By the way it was a poor attempt. A perfect example of how people can degrade themselves in enmity of others. Everyone knows Sir Zaid is great and your conspiracies won’t change the truth.

  13. Hassan says:

    Sorry Nadeem not a good effort.. :)

    Maybe you’ll do good next time.

  14. Kara Swart says:

    Rehan Saeed- this might help:
    Quote:

    In view of the large number of figurines[52] found in the Indus valley, it has been widely suggested that the Harappan people worshipped a Mother goddess symbolizing fertility. However, this view has been disputed by S. Clark.[53] Some Indus valley seals show swastikas which are found in later religions and mythologies, especially in Indian religions such as Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism. The earliest evidence for elements of Hinduism are present before and during the early Harappan period[54][55]. Phallic symbols resembling the Hindu Siva lingam have been found in the Harappan remains.[56][57]

    Many Indus valley seals show animals. One famous seal shows a figure seated in a posture reminiscent of the Lotus position and surrounded by animals was named after Pashupati (lord of cattle), an epithet of Shiva and Rudra.[58][59].[60]

    In the earlier phases of their culture, the Harappans buried their dead; however, later, especially in the Cemetery H culture of the late Harrapan period, they also cremated their dead and buried the ashes in burial urns, a transition notably also alluded to in the Rigveda, where the forefathers “both cremated (agnidagdhá-) and uncremated (ánagnidagdha-)” are invoked (RV 10.15.14).

    Unquote

  15. Kara Swart says:

    Rehan Saeed: The founders of Indus Valley Civilization were dravidians. The invaders destroyed the peace loving civilization, who migrated southwards and now occupy Southern India. They continue to be the most peace loving among Indians. A little research would have helped.

  16. Rehan Saeed says:

    You’re right that Indians are better people than us so their Babri Mosque commission truly revealed that BJP and Vajpai hatched the conspiracy, just after 17 years. They proved themselves far better when they attacked their fellow parliamentarians for revealing these facts.

    Yes, they are better than us when they discovered that an Indian Army Officer was responsible for burning innocent people of Samjotha express live.

    You are right that MSS is better than Taliban of Pakistan who fight against American policies, but your parties threat all those Muslims of India to migrate to Pakistan- Karan Johar apologized Bal Thakre for using word Mumbai in his movie. See More
    My dear Satya, being the student you’ll know history of this region more than me. Should I tell that from 2900 BC, both countries were separate in demography and geology famous as “Indus Valley Civilization” and “Gangetic Civilization” Pakistan had more influence of Greeks, Iranians, Parthian, and Huns. Buddhism flourished in Pakistan and spread to Northwest India in 800 years. These were Islamic ideologies of Mahmood Ghaznavi, formation of Urdu by Aibak and development of arts, architect by Mangols in the region.

    The result is Pakistan! Which is an ideology and the only state in the world formed on this ideology that we worship only on Allah whose final message is as it is preserved in shape of Quran?

    I can tell you the impact of this state on the world in coming years, if you allow.

  17. Wahever Mann Singh says:

    I think Hamid is a pretty cool guy. He blames Hindus for everything and doesn’t afraid of anything.

  18. Stinger says:

    I can see that you’re trying to be satirical but let’s not overshadow the facts. Black water is working out of Pakistan, likely with the governments consent. Some people may be conspiracy theorists but not all conspiracies are theories, especially when they turn out to be facts. Let’s discuss the truth not what we want the truth to be.

  19. chinmay says:

    On this eve of first anniversary of 26/11, all I can say is that we have much soulful issues to discuss, what to do with our TV shows?

    Just by seeing them in operas where one is always conspiring against somebody, you’ll feel its India vs. Pakistan; it will keep building up in your imagination!

    Serials don’t represent our lives; women don’t wear heavy jewellery while in kitchen, so grow your thought process Hamid.

  20. shankar says:

    With people like these, who need the taliban.

  21. Haathim says:

    Hi! I am an Arab studying in India and I found your article hilarious. After staying in India I feel that Indians are much better people than Pakistanis. Pakistanis just like Arabs like to blame everyone else for their own problems and the end result is that we keep on suffering while blaming others.

    False bravado does not get us anywhere; we need more schools (real schools and not Islamic Madarssas) colleges and universities. We need to stop hating others for their beliefs and it is only then that we can actually grow as a people.
    On my trip the Pakistan two years back, I found out that though the people are lovely they tend to give in to conspiracy theories a lot and their hatred for India far exceeds their hatred for India.

  22. abdul khan says:

    Fiction

    It’s okay if you don’t agree with Zaid hamid. But calling him Zion hamid is like a direct offense.

    Never mind.
    Sir Pakistani.

  23. Qasim says:

    Pretty creative and humorous. Too bad our nation doesn’t have the sense of humor to appreciate how funny our people are without making an effort. No imagination at all. Anyway good stuff NFP.

  24. Onsong says:

    LOL. NFP, what on earth are you always on? This is crazy, and we love you for this. Wild satire at its very best.

  25. Kayenn says:

    Great Article – just imagine how red turban people are assisting in brain washing people of Pakistan.

    No news about the Headly and Rana till now in Pakistan news. They are agencies trying to tarnish Pakistan’s image

    It is easy to destroy but very difficult to built. Nadeem in trying to build but Zion Hamed is tyrying to destroy.

  26. Aqib Ali Shah says:

    The Best There ‘Was’
    The Best There ‘Is’
    The Better He will Become
    Aka NFP
    Hats Off To NFP. I Got three Words For Him.
    One Man, One Dream, One Vision.
    Which Is
    ……..RIGHTEOUSNESS…….

  27. Karam Ali Shah says:

    “”Pakistan was created as an Islamic ideological country.”

    Prove this, Abdullah Hussain. What does so many of Jinnah’s speeches say? “Religion has nothing to do with the matters of the state”

    You guys go blind to this, and continue your unproven rethoric of Pakistan was made as an Islamic state.

    Men like Paracha are really the true reflection of the kind of state Jinnah wanted. So get over it, already.

  28. Abdullah Hussain says:

    Kara Swart Says:

    Mr. Jinnah had wanted a secular society and least that part of his dream lives on in the likes of NFP.
    ——————————————–

    Dear Kara Swart. For your information Pakistan was created as an Islamic ideological country. Quaid e Azam Mohammed Ali Jinnah was a Muslim and wanted an Islamic homeland for the Muslims of the sub continent. The Islamic ideology prescribes very good relationship with members of all religion, cast and creed within the parameter of Islamic concept. A secular country has very little to offer and is not accountable to many things. Islamic society on the other hand has no consideration for such things.

    AH

  29. impressed says:

    NFP is different, he writes different and is different in relations.

  30. Rakesh says:

    Zaid hamid must be angry as he was not born in USA. Cause In USA he could have been multi millionaire selling books and conspiracy theory. There is such a great market for all the lunatic conspiracy theorist in USA. Entire Middle USA roots for them. Just see how much money few well known people have made, all the tele evangelist are making in US just by Talking nonsense.

    But Bechara Hamid Sahab. All he can get is some fan base among the madarssah student who are there in first place due to poverty. How he has to run from one TV channel to other to provide the comedy quotient in some serious news topic just to make the ends meet.

    By the way NFP Sir, Are you really a agent of some agency or just that some people do not still believe that The founder of Pakistan was not some Mullah but a modern man and thats what Pakistan is, a modern Islamic state not tribal NWFP or Afghanistan.


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