Islamabad, November 18: Famous anti-India TV personality, Zion Hamid, was caught yesterday watching Shakuntali, a popular Indian TV soap opera. The discovery was made by one of his fans who Hamid thought was his milkman.
When Hamid opened his door, the fan heard and saw the TV in the background where episode No. 5, 904 of Shakuntali was running. Talking to this reporter, the fan said that he first thought it was a conspiracy, but after noticing the genuine red cap of Hamid, he was astonished.
Shaken, the fan, 23-year-old Abdul Karim, said: ‘I couldn’t believe it! What would Muhammad Bin Qasim think when he gets to hear about this?’
When told by this reporter that Qasim died hundreds of years ago, the fan accused him and his newspaper for working for Blackwater.
‘What you think you fool Mossad, CIA, Raw agent Qasim alive in our minds, hearts and lungs so oh you shut up!’ he added.
Talking to the media after the episode, Hamid accepted that he sometimes watches Indian soaps and that even though he is of the opinion that Hindus are paleed (dirty), there is no harm in watching them on TV because they can’t touch you and can’t cast their shadow over you.
He added that he also watches Indian soaps to decode the hidden plots of the Hindus to destroy Pakistan and Islam.
‘It was by decoding the dialogue of one such Indian TV soap that I was able to discover that the Mumbai attacks were actually planned and executed by Raw and Mossad,’ he explained.
He also said that he predicted the 9/11 attacks as a Zionist conspiracy back in 1996 by watching Dil Walay Dullaniya Lay Jain Gey on his VCD player over and over again.
‘It’s all there,’ he claimed. ‘And the songs aren’t all that bad either.’
Hamid was surrounded by a vocal group of fans at the press conference.
One Barkat Ali told the reporters: ‘What this happening? Attacking great man Zion, oh so brilliant genius zindabad, zindabad you kafir Western conspiracy US agent traitors fool, fool, fool!’
Another, Sharmeen Khan, a 25-year-old university student added: ‘What this nonsense of democracy because it only Hindu, American, Zionist, Papua New Guinnean plot to destroy beloved Pakistian zindabad, zindabad, zindabad!’
Kamran Ghani, a seven-month-old toddler also addressed the press conference. He said, ‘Goo goo gagagaga goo goo … burp!’
The fans then lifted Hamid on their shoulders and carried him to a nearby McDonald’s outlet where they all chanted slogans like ‘Amreeka ki ghulami namazoor’ over a couple of Big Macs, large Cokes and a romantic song sung by Wali Azmat called, ‘I hate Jews Yea, Yea, Yea,’ a song from Azmat’s forthcoming album, ‘Zionists ate my Homework.’
The album is dedicated to all the Taliban who died in American drone attacks. When asked why didn’t he also dedicate the album to all those who’ve died from Taliban’s suicide attacks, Azmat said, that there were no suicide bomb attacks in Pakistan and that all those people we see slaughtered and dismembered on our TV screens actually died from dengue fever. When asked how he can prove this, he said that one should watch the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
‘It’s all there,’ he claimed. ‘And the chicks aren’t all that bad either.’
Meanwhile in Lahore, Tehrik-e-Imran chief, Insaaf-e-Khan lauded Zion Hamid’s efforts for decoding vital truths about Hindu conspiracies from Indian soap operas.
Talking to a group of rabid rightwing columnists at his residence, the great Khan said that Pakistan was in great danger from all kinds of plots being hatched by its enemies, especially Asif Zardari Bhutto Zardari Bhutto, Bilawal Zardari Bhutto Zardari, and the ghost of late Benazir Bhutto.
‘This government is sucking the blood of poor Pakistanis,’ he told the rabid rightwing communists all of whom then started to sing the national anthem in unison.
‘This government has sold Pakistan’s strategic and political interests to America!’ Khan added, to which the rabid rightwing columnists started burning George Washington and Abraham Lincoln’s effigies.
Praising the columnists’ bravery, Khan promised them to meet again after he returned from New York where he will undergo a cheekbone operation.
The columnists informed him that they too will be in New York for sightseeing, except for one, who got up and started burning Henry Truman’s effigy. He was the one who failed to secure an American visa.
Khan termed this to be racial discrimination and a CIA conspiracy.
Later in the day, the issue was discussed on a famous TV talk show on a local news channel.
Participating in the show were the incensed columnist, a rabid rightwing reporter, a PPP Minster, and a woman in a burqa.
‘This is an outrage!’ said the reporter. ‘Blackwater is behind this,’ he announced.
When asked how he knew, he picked up a Class One children’s nursery rhymes book and claimed: ‘It’s all here. And the rhymes aren’t all that bad either.’
The PPP Minister, Rehman Malika Zardari Bhutto Zardari, promised that his government will look into the issue, to which the reporter landed a swift punch on Malika’s face.
When Malika’s bodyguards tried to stop the reporter, the talk show’s host accused the government of curbing the freedom of the press.
‘This is an outrage!’ he said. ‘I implore the Army to intervene, overthrow this incompetent government and impose martial law!’
Mr. Malika apologised and started to land punches on his own face saying that the government too believed in the freedom of the press.
This made the reporter very happy who asked Malika to raid book stores and confiscate all secular literature because solutions to Pakistan’s problems lie in jihadi literature.
‘It’s all there!’ he claimed. ‘And the topics aren’t all that bad either.’
Turning to the woman in a burqa, the show’s host asked if she agreed.
‘The real problem lies in women wearing jeans,’ she said.
The host asked her to elaborate, to which she said: ‘The real problem is in women wearing jeans.’
‘Yes, but can you please elaborate?’ asked the host.
‘The real problem lies in women wearing jeans!’ she said again.
‘Please elaborate,’ the host insisted.
‘But that’s all I was asked to say,’ she said.
‘By whom?’ inquired the host.
‘By you!’ she said.
‘This is an outrage!’ said Mr. Malika, and in response, the host punched him and proceeded to burn an American flag. He burned half of it and announced that the other half will be burnt later because he had to catch a flight.
‘To where?’ asked Mr. Malika.
‘California,’ said the host. ‘I have to attend my son’s graduation ceremony.’
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
Hats off to you NFP. Boss you are great. Taliban may have conquered Afghanistan but if they dream the same in Pakistan, they must be living in a fools paradise. Pakistan is not Afghanistan.
Anyway I love Dr. Hamid. He surely has imagination. Unfortunately there is no Nobel Prize for creative imagination. He would have won it hands down. But surely he does provide entertainment in the gloomy times.
And about Imran Khan, he was my favourite cricketer and then he decided to ruin whatever he did by becoming a politician. The man who won world cup for pakistan now bats for taliban.
Its good article but Dr. Younis is still much better at it. Next time try to be original rather than copying Younis Butt.
Nice Effort, though.
farrukh Mirza says:
“Allah give you Hid ayah.”
This reminds me of an old NFP article called ‘Weed.’ In which one Tableeghi guy says to him, “Allah aap koh hidayat dey,”
To which NFP replies “… aur aap koh aqal.”
Chaps: I can see that NFP is getting a lot of stick from some Pakistani posters. Laughing at yourself (or your icons) is the test of a self confident society. NFP’s satirical articles show that whatever be the state of the politics, the secular Pakistani society is indeed very self confident. Kudos and all success. Mr. Jinnah had wanted a secular society and least that part of his dream lives on in the likes of NFP.
george Says:
People of Pakistan can live without basic necessities but not the Indian channels. Cut down power supply, take away petrol, reduce water supplies, raise inflation, start a civil war, do anything and this nation would stay numb. But ban the Indian channels and see, every one and their aunts will be out on the roads, shouting and protesting.
——————————————–
This is one of the reasons why the authority must ban airing of all Indian channels in Pakistan.
AH
@Mazhar, finding Indian arms in S.Waziristan does not constitute support. Chinese and Russian arms have also been found in NWFP. It does not mean China and Russia are involved. Arms smugglers work from every country known to man. Finding arms is hardly proof since there are a lot of arms smugglers working from the Indian side of Kashmir.
Well done NFP, you have exposed a person who is sowing the seeds of hatered and extremism. You have also shown the real faces of some westernized singers chirping religious songs with western drums.
The piece was hilarious and thought provoking at the same time. Especially the part on freedom of press but I have a question would NFP like to elaborate on the issue how could a nation turn into brutal minded savages? just after 9/11 just makes one think especially these suicide attacks are not supporting their cause in anyway. What does NFP thinks?
Mr. NFP,
Congratulations, your “Fan Club is growing in India”. They really appreciate your anti write ups. Do make your writing more tastier for your fan club members.
AH
Seems Nadeem Paracha, is full of hate propaganda willing to publish the same here, he is creating hate, brainwash on his foolish and imaginary cook up stories about anyone. He is a person in disguise, he must be skinned.
A brilliant piece of work indeed!Only the kind of people like NFP can salvage this miserable subcontinent from the misery caused by religious bigotry and extremism.
This article is one of the funniest I have read in recent times. Infact more funnier than Raju Srivastav’s acts. I really envy the peace and prosperity in Europe and wish when will we all(Indians and Pakistanis) live in a peaceful and a developed age where no one of us will have to dream about going to US or Europe to live a better life as well as to avoid the open bias against us in those countries.
Insha Allah, someday!!!
@ Santosh:- that was a very insightful and hence admirable comment.
Allah give you Hid ayah.
People of Pakistan can live without basic necessities but not the Indian channels. Cut down power supply, take away petrol, reduce water supplies, raise inflation, start a civil war, do anything and this nation would stay numb. But ban the Indian channels and see, every one and their aunts will be out on the roads, shouting and protesting
I have been reading Nadeems articles for quite some time and have always been mesmerized by the way he puts together his thought and ideas. His choice of words are simply beyond exemplary and the ideas are commendable, but Nadeem, don’t get all hyped up dude. Just like any other person, you can’t always be right or liked.
I am a big time fan of the so called “Zion Hamid”, but I still don’t agree to a few of his commandments. Yes I agree to a few posts that claim Zaid Hamid being an extremist. I’m sure most of us are anti-extremism therefore; it is very hard to accept a few things that he says. The other day I had a huge argument with a friend over the Taliban killing innocent people in Pakistan. He had the same views as Nadeem has and I had views similar to Zaid Sb (obviously since I am a fan of his).
Lets realize one simple fact here Nadeem, whats this fan (who saw Zaid Sb watch Indian soap) credibility? Maybe he was not telling the truth or even if he was, how come his faith in Zaid Sb so weak that it broke only by witnessing the poor guy watching an Indian soap. Even if I see Zaid Sb watching Karina’s upcoming movie my faith in him would still not wither. This is a clear sign that the person (fan) we’re talking about here was not really a fan and was merely means of spreading negative propaganda against a sane person by those who are either in denial or can’t handle the truth.
Zaid Hamid has his logic flawed, his sources conjured and his honesty questionable.
I don’t care if he watches Indian soap operas or whatever films every night, we should as a society not pay much attention to his ramblings including highlighting them in the national paper.
But I guess when people loose their reason and judgment, someone has to show them the mirror.
Question remains, who would read between the lines of this article and understand what is being highlighted here.
Best,
Zurez Khan
How can a person, quoting just obscurantic verses in his talks, win in the eyes of sensible viewers and readers. A brain washed can only inspire a brain washed.
In my opinion, Zaid Hamid is a bias person because he always gives the one side opinion and that is his own opinion. He never gives the opposite side fact and figure and he only emphasize on his personal and one-side views. In this 2009 people have so many other resources to figure out the both facts and figures. Anyhow, he is a great debater and he has quality to convince his audience even though he is a bias person. Indeed, we people are lazy to pull out the all side information by outsource resources; moreover, the world became a global village and we are only listen to one guy who has only his one thought again western and eastern country that they are trying to disintegrate Pakistan.
NFP is the king of satire
. I wish that red topi Zaid Hamid dreams up some more conspiracy theories as they make me laugh a lot of you tube 
, time pass.
Mazhar: But Pakistan is a part of India ( or India a part of Pakistan). Our gene pool is exactly the same, which the rivers and soil of this great peninsula created over millions of years. A man can change his religion, not his gene pool. A Pakistani is often mistaken for an India, but never for a Chinese or an Arab (and vice versa). We are indeed one. Where is the angst in this?
I would must say the writer (Mr. Paracha) of this article go to doctor. I can put lot of these kind of blame and allegations without factual prove on anyone at anytime.
Can’t stop laughing!!!
Pathetic, NFP has moved on from ZIA to Zaid Hamid.
Pathetic humor.
NFP’s really been stung now, hasn’t he?
And he’s suppose to be giving us the lesson of tolerance, funny. I would like to say a lot, but I am pretty sure he knows about his lies and hypocrisy (not sure about the spelling) and bigotry himself.
I suggest you read Shahaab Nama.
Oh yeah, and I was watching the conspiracy theories program on youtube, NFP said that he had the opinion that stoning to death of adulterers is wrong as its not in the Quran, only in Ahadis. So Ahadis aren’t important?
Absolutely brilliant, NFP never stops amazing me. (Fan of the man)
full marks for correct grammar. Impressive for a man with low IQ and depressingly twisted view of the world.
Pretty funny. Shakuntali. HaHaHa.
Take good care of yourself.
Hey, Abdul, You guys have pseudo-intellectuals we have pseudo secular, how about an exchange. You can laugh your hearts out and so can we. I think it would be a great deal.
NFP, after looking at the interview that you and Zaid Hamid gave to the Dawn News about conspiracy theories, I can’t help concluding that you went this low for revenge. Zaid Hamid did make you like a child with his rebuttal in that interview. Be a man and rise above instead of being so cynical. Though I don’t buy any of Zaid Hamid’s theories, after perusing this crap, I lost respect for you NFP. Sad.
This is crap by the so called open minded and liberal people.