Mr. Jamshed Group was born in Panipat, India, in 1857 AD. His father was a humble farmer and his mother made great tasting lassi for a living. His father, Sohail Group, fell ill when he was bitten by a hoard of Amreekan Sundis that attacked his meager wheat crop. Even his mother, Skaeela Groupie, and her great tasting lassi couldn’t do much to heal her husband’s wounds.
The episode saw a very young Jamshed Group moving out of his mud house to look for work. He first joined the East India tea company as a cook, where he eventually formed the East Indian Tea Worker’s Union (Jamshed Group). He was the only member. However, the union was persecuted by the British and, of course, Asif Ali Zardari. Now jobless and poverty-stricken, Jamshed Group became a gigolo for hire.
He was saved from this immoral activity by Sir Syed Ahmed Khan. He made Jamshed Group join the Aligarh College where he enrolled himself in the college’s Philosophy Department. There, he studied the works of Nietzsche, Rousseau, Marx, and Mithun Chakraborty. But before he could actually begin taking any classes at the college, he formed the Aligarh Muslim Students Federation (Jamshed Group). He was the only member.
Arrested for holding a protest rally against the British and teaching the philosophy of Chakraborty, Jamshed Group left the college and joined the Indian National Congress. The minute after joining, he formed his own faction, the Indian National Congress (Jamshed Group). He was the only member.
Haunted by the memories of studying the works of Chakraborty, Jamshed Group took to drinking and became a bum. He was helped to quit the evils of whisky by a kind, tolerant, and benevolent Buddhist monk, Bal Thakeray.
Thakeray taught Jamshed Group the finer points of faith, peace, meditation and the wonders of having one’s own torture cell. He also showed Jamshed Group a photo of some ordinary guy sitting on a chair and having tea. Just why he did that is not known, but it somehow made Jamshed Group join the Muslim League. However, a mere two seconds after joining, he formed his own faction, Muslim League (Jamshed Group). He was the only member.
It was here that he started to read the works of the founder and chief of the fundamentalist Jamat-e-Islami party, Charles Darwin. He also studied the speeches of Abraham Lincoln and, for a while, formed the Republican Party (Jamshed Group), until told that Lincoln has been assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. Hearing this, Jamshed Group broke down in tears and in utter disillusionment formed a faction against his own faction. He called it Muslim League (Jamshed Group-The Sequel).
After forming a faction against his own faction, he stormed out of the party meeting in which he himself was the speaker as well as the audience.
After announcing the party’s manifesto – that had something to do with Mithun, jihad, and that photo of a guy sitting on a chair and having tea – he protested (as the audience), saying the party should stand for jihad, Islam, and upholstery. He disagreed (as the speaker), but insisted (as the audience), and eventually stormed out (as the press), announcing to himself (as the speaker/audience/press) the end of Muslim League (Jamshed Group-The Sequel).
Then for about four years Jamshed Group vanished. It is believed that between 1943 and 1947 he converted to Jainism and traveled to Somalia in search of the Dalai Lama.
In 1954 Jamshed Group traveled to the newly formed country of Pakistan. While deeply studying the philosophical and literary works of Inzamamul Haq, Jamshed Group decided to reform Muslim League (Jamshed Group). He then traveled to Lahore and announced that the Muslims of India need their own country. It was here that someone hit him over the head with a sugar cane and told him that the Muslims of the subcontinent already had their own country since 1947, you stupid punk!
Sensing a conspiracy against Muslim League (Jamshed Group), he started to drink heavily again. He became an alcoholic, roaming almost half naked in the streets of Sialkot until he was rescued by the second cousin of Muhammad Bin Qasim, Zion Hamid, and Harun Yahya’s renegade nephew, famous witch doctor Shahid Kaddu Masood (aka Vodoo Master Mabusa Bambata).
Masood first got him to join Pakistan chapter of the Alcoholic Anonymous Association, but within a day of joining, Jamshed Group created his own faction, Alcoholic Anonymous Association (Jamshed Group).
After firing himself from his own Alcoholic Anonymous faction, Jamshed Group moved in with Zion and Masood in their bunker. Just why were they living in a bunker is not known, but some people believe that they were sure Doomsday was just round the corner, and anybody who disagreed was on the payroll of RAW, or having a torrid affair with Asif Ali Zardari, who they said was actually a malevolent jinn.
But soon, both Zion and Masood kicked Jamshed Group out because due to him they couldn’t get their American and UAE visas. They were really looking forward to visiting Disney Land.
In depression, Jamshed went for a walk on the roads of Rawalpindi and ended up at a rally being held by the then Pakistani Prime Minister, Burt Lancaster. In that rally, according to Masood, an alien, most probably a Martian Freemason, took out a pistol and shot dead the PM and put the blame on another guy who was killed by the crowd. Inspired by the scene, Jamshed Group re-reformed his own faction of the PML right there and then and proclaimed himself to be the new PM of Pakistan.
He got his pictures taken (in suits, Bermudas and fine bikinis), and had them mailed all over Pakistan, even though nobody took him seriously. One such picture also reached Qazi Hussain Ahmed. He immediately accused Jamshed Group of being an Ahmadi and got a mullah to proclaim a fatwa against him. The fatwa accused Jamshed Group of being a heretic. The fatwa also called Jamshed Group a punk.
Jamshed Group then hid for 25 years, and only reemerged in 1980. At once he proclaimed that he was Cat Stevens (Jamshed Gene), and joined Gulbaddin Hekmatyar’s mujahideen force. Within minutes after joining, he formed his own faction, Mujahideen (Jamshed Group), and headed for Afghanistan to fight the atheistic Soviet forces.
However, instead of Afghanistan, he mistakenly entered Karachi’s Lyari area and killed a dozen Baloch fishermen, calling them ‘Marxist sharks.’ When told that he had to kill Red Snappers (the Soviets), Jamshed Group apologised and claimed that he was mislead by a group of Christians.
He asked the fair, benevolent, and just dictatorship of General Zia-ul-Haq to hang all the Christians of Pakistan, even though for a while he formed his own faction of the Pakistan Christian Party, the PCP (Jamshed Group).
Excited by his meeting with the fair, benevolent and just Haq, Jamshed Group is said to have blasted a dozen rapid-fire burps in celebration, joined in by Haq who’d just had the Constitution of Pakistan for dinner. For a day or so, Zia and Jamshed Group formed PML (The Burp Group), until Jamshed decided to let loose that one extra burp so that he could form PML (Jamshed’s Burp Group).
Heartbroken, Zia had to roam the streets of Lahore to find new partners, three of them being Mian Nawaz Sharif, General Hamid Gul, and a scruffy young baby rabbit called Ansar Abbasi.
Oh, what a wonderful time it was for Jamshed Group and Pakistan under the kind and visionary Zia government. Nawaz, Gul, the baby rabbit, and Zia sang and danced, laughed and ran in slow-motion on the beaches of Normandy, spreading the seeds of love, brotherhood, peace, and nuclear waste. It was just too good to last.
On August 17, 1988, Zia met with an accident while paragliding with his old pal, Sant Gernal Singh Bindrawale, over the Tora Bora mountains in Afghanistan. Both had had a bit too much Rooh Afza to drink that day.
Zia’s protégés, Mian Nawaz Sharif, Hamid Gul, and the baby rabbit cried foul and blamed Bilawal Bhutto for Zia’s demise even though Bilawal wasn’t even born yet. As it turned out, it was Jamshed Group’s idea to blame an unborn Bhutto after he was refused a PPP ticket by his old philosophical nemesis, Chakraborty, for the 1988 elections.
Jamshed Group joined the ISI instead, and right away formed his own ISI wing, ISI (Jamshed Group). He was the only member. His wing was handed the charge of training future TV anchors and newspaper reporters in the art of derailing democracy in the name of democracy and abusing the freedom of the press in the name of the freedom of the press – an art Vodoo Master Mabusa Bambata, Mubashir Locked Man, and especially, the scruffy baby rabbit would excel at.
Jamshed Group rejoiced when General Pervez Musharraf toppled democracy and imposed another very kind and humane martial law. But just at this moment, Jamshed Group re-re-reformed PML (Jamshed Group), and started opposing Musharraf.
Jamshed Group then unleashed his TV anchors and reporters who said they were working for democracy, and when Musharraf quit, it was discovered that they had actually been working for the Taliban, NASA, and Maria B. Hearing this, Jamshed Group at once formed his own Taliban faction, Tehrik-e-Taliban (Jamshed Group). He was the only member.
He claimed that he was fighting a just war against India, America, Israel, and Ghana, and wanted to impose shariah law in Pakistan and the Antarctica. When asked why Antarctica, Jamshed Group said, ‘why not?’ This made everybody smile, until Jamshed Group decided to blow himself up in public, but failed to do so because a fortnight ago he had traded his dynamite for year’s supply of McDonald’s Big Macs, which he then enjoyed with Ali Azmat while watching Madonna’s new video and cursing American imperialism.
And then, one fine day, Jamshed Group found his name on the NRO list.
He at once drew out his own list, NRO (Jamshed’s List). He arrested and jailed himself, escaped to Seychelles Island, came back and made a dramatic appearance on Hamida Mirunissah’s talk show, Capital Punishment Talk, on which he accused Asif Ali Zardari and Bilawal Bhutto’s unborn children for implicating him in a false case. When asked by Hamida what that case was, he said, it was a bad case of the flu. ‘But mind you,’ he said. ‘Flu (Jamshed Group).’
He was the only patient.
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
Does NFP has anything to say about the target killings in Karachi ? Taliban must be behind it !
bravo!
Well Nadeem,
Unfortunately you write in english that’s why you will never face any criticism. People who you point always in your articles believe me does not care about these well written sarcasm as they are busy in changing world according to the true teachings of Islam.
May Allah guide us all
Well Done Paracha Sb. – Jamshed Group
The two hilarious pieces I found in this satire are following.
“Heartbroken, Zia had to roam the streets of Lahore to find new partners, three of them being Mian Nawaz Sharif, General Hamid Gul, and a scruffy young baby rabbit called Ansar Abbasi.”
Ansar Abbasi sulely looks like a cute rabbit.
Another one was “Capital Punishment Talk”.
I have very special feelings for both “Capital Punishment Talk” and young baby rabbit.
Toronto
Saeed
Amazing piece of work bro…
Respect, Peace.
Regards,
AP
India
@jkpakistani
NFP is trying to influence your mind in his own style. He believes, there in lies the solution. Some entertainment cannot fulfill the agenda of a big country like India, but if it helps the ordinary Pakistani citizens in the long run, Indians will have genuine reasons to be happy and why only the Indians the whole world, I may say. Well done NFP keep it going. I am sure, you shall succeed some day!
Nice article. You are awesome with your thoughts NFP.
Brilliantly put, Keti.
NFP is a master at this. God knows how much Pakistanis need this. His satirical stuff is curiously Freudian.
Well done Pracha Sb
Keep it up.
NPF, Founder of the Modern Pakistani Style of Proletarian Psychotherapy.
Another Master Piece from NFP?? Clearly fulfilling the agenda of Indians, and no wonder they like him. I do not know why all the atheist get access to newspapers in the name of Securilism?
Nadeem you must insist on solutions, evidently you do not have except criticism. I consider a common person who is at least trying to make a difference instead of just criticizing everything you have.
Dear Nadeem
You have sadly disappointed this time. I have always admired your writing and maintained that you had the ability to think straight. After reading this piece I felt you need some rest to reconstruct your wit and humor. Instead of thinking straight you have also gone in circles. You have wasted my time.
Good work NFP!!
I found few people criticizing you, with out any solution/suggestion.
keep rolling! Bravo
What a waste of time. I mean really! I actually wasted 15 minutes of my life reading this waste of literature and I am supposed to think its funny?
The only funny part that I see in this shenanigan is NFP who clearly is delusional and probably thinks the characters in F.R.I.E.N.D.S the sitcom were real too.
Being a critic is very easy, trying giving solutions or answers to the problems that our culture is facing if you’re such a “cultural critic”.
I just wasted more time commenting on this blog. *sheesh*
@UMER
NFP FOR PRESIDENT
Well, indeed its only NFP who can fit into Zardari’s shoes. Will be great replacement
NFP you lost the hallmark simplicity by going round and round. This construct was not up to your standards. You are trying to be funny and it wasn’t.
It is the state of utter confusion and nobody knows who is right and who is wrong. The irony is that people been subjected to the politics of hopelessness for so long that they have lost the desire to let the anger out because they feel may be that is the will of Allah.
Human body is the finest creation of Allah but it has certain restraints. The human brain stops to function properly if you are not a part of decision making processes and that’s why Pakistan is faced with acute shortage of people who would either understand or appreciate you Nadeem and that is a pity.
Some times I wonder why there is so much difference in our point of views. How can any body miss the difference in define enemy. Pakistan considers Taliban as their enemy and has started operation against those who for years asked Pakistan for more autonomy and some part of revenues generated by their recourses. Pakistani government used heavy handed to crush their demands and crossed all the limits when Pakistani army killed Mr. Bugti. Pakistani government under the camaflogue of operation against Taliban started ethnic cleansing by killing elders, young educated balochs. Operation in Waziristan is nothing but a sham. Pakistan wants the world to believe that they are fighting against Taliban and they are the one who hate India as well and therefore are also India’s enemy. No! Wait a minute India has no quell with Balouchs, or Pushtoons they are not our enemies. India’s enemies are those who are trained by agencies and Pak army to kill innocent people in Kashmir and lately in Mumbai. We are fighting against Pakistan’s state sponsored terror outfit and you are fighting to force your will over those who are fighting for their own rights.
The difference is like difference in day and night. You will not see as long as you would not let your brain do the thinking.
Good work Nadeem.
So the National Reconciliation Ordinance (NRO) beneficiaries list comes out. The media is happy that those persons who enjoyed taking advantage of the NRO have light casted upon them, while the government is trying to push forward the argument of how they have respected the Supreme Court’s judgment and have publicized the list. It seems to be a win-win situation for all parties. But is it really? Calls for the resignation of ministries and portfolios have echoed from all corners. How has this zero-sum game turned into a finger-pointing-name-calling battle?
Hi you are a star. Wonder if more Indians are reading these newspapers then Pakistanis.
Can’t stop this guy. Paracha I hope, in fact I know what you are doing.
The likes of Zaid Hamid spend months and months brainwashing confused young Pakistanis, taking them to his distorted land, and then you come along to make a complete meal out of him, his theories and his fans with just a couple of articles.
You have my vote, man. Soldier on against delusions. Humor, specially the kind you use is a great weapon.
Thank you Saad for posting some reference talk of Zaid Hamid. Saw his eloquent and deceitful speech along with the tear filled emotional expressions and responses of the public. Really opened my eyes! Mother used to say there is a limit to lies it seems now that there isn’t any. I can realize much better now, why a strong and democratic India is in the world’s best interest despite its many shortcomings and why many in the world are afraid of Pakistan. Not because of cowardice but because they more or less uphold the sanctity of life, at least of their citizens.
I wasn’t able to understand the allied bombing of Dresden and other cities in Germany earlier, considering it an act of brutality unnecessarily incurred upon an already losing side, but their unconditional capitulation paved a way for their eventual awakening from their collective illusion which might not have been possible, had it not been a total surrender. But it cost them many million lives of their people, let alone how many were killed because of their actions. And there are so many similarities between Germany of the third Reich and Pakistan of now and that makes me afraid. Is such a fate waiting for Pakistan too? It makes me sad, that conquering others and killing the opponents is considered such a fair game by demagogue like Zaid Hamid who give the disenchanted people a false sense of superiority. When murderers are praised, then it begets only death and destruction!
Apparently the author is just an other person who is so jealous of the top Pakistani anchors, that he can do nothing about it, but ridicule them and whine about it.
Yes. Mr. NFP.
This is the need of the hour.
Excellent work.
Please raise your Pen for the heart touching and sobbing issues of the Feudally Deprived South Rural Punjab.
Hats off to you.
A work of art as always. Great piece. Made me laugh all the way.
Paracha dude you write a boring and immature comedy piece and then comment on it yourself. If Zaid Hamid embarrassed you in the conspiracies program this doesn’t mean that you suffer from zaidophobia. He is the only guy who gives hope to the youth. Guys please watch “Wake up Lahore” speech on youtube. This change is coming you can’t stop it, cause this time it’s the university and college students who will lead.
A confused person, who is struggling to come to terms with the fact that Islam, is the only solution for all the miseries of this world. I am simply shocked at Dawn newspaper to allow such a person writing articles and wasting space that could be
allocated for something more worthwhile and beneficial.
Dear NFP,
You have earned yourself a fan today.
Your way of putting things across is so nice.
Please come over to India some day, we need writers like you.
I wish we have people like you on this side of border as well.
Kudos to you!!!
This is the best bit of work from you. Nice touch.
Indian Manoos Says:
Bravo, Bravo. Satire at its Best.
Keep up the great work. We don’t have any one like NFP in India, want some fun poked at us Indians and our hypocrisy.
——————————————-
What Satire at its best? Did you even read to understand what your great hero NFP has tried to make you understand. LOL. NFP, it seems Lion Zaid Hamid has become an over dosage for you. Try and write on other topic as well, this practice will ward off the spell on you.
AH
Nadeem Saab,
Why do u forsake us Indians, we have equally talented people in India then Pakistanis, I feel they are Infact more talented, the greatest
e.g, you Pakistanis call Mr zardari in %, guys that is nothing, our ex chief minister from Jarkhand, just 15 days ago was caught in a case where he robbed the entire state of 50% of its revenue
So you see Nadeem Saab, we too need an article on our Indian politician, great god man they have earned it.
Bravo, Bravo. Satire at its Best.
Keep up the great work. We don’t have any one like NFP in India, want some fun poked at us Indians and our hypocrisy.
I am not sure I would call this satire. For me it was just longwinded, boring and infantile. It’s a shame that this is what passes for journalism or education in Pakistan. When will we have an idea of what constitutes witty satire or literate prose?
Yup, Paracha for president as well as the Nobel prize for literature.
This piece of satire was rocking good.
Paracha’s style is not just spoof, but it gets down to bare bones of the craziness of Pakistani politics and society and makes soup out these bones.
But I also agree with someone here who said not many people will understand this kind of over-the-top satire.
But, you’re our man, NFP. More power to you.
This is out there. Top satire written in a style that accurately captures the madness and the absurdities that each one of is surrounded by.
Paracha you are not of this planet; but you sure knows what makes it go boom!
Crackling stuff once again, brother.
Wonderful article mate!
I am a fan! Unashamedly so.
But, calling this piece a satire really stretches the definition of the word. Maybe in a good way. Clearly, I haven’t yet decided whether I like this installment of NFP.
Is it fun to read? Yes.
Is it useful to read? Not sure.
But you must keep them coming. On that, I am quite sure!
NFP for President.
Let Paracha be read by all. But how many will understand him in a world-wide society full of zombies of religion and backwardness?
Can he write in the language of the zombies?
Not a great attempt Nadeem, I really liked Extra Extra and read it a few times, but this one seems just a sequel to that. Monotony kills the spirit and soul of any writing, let alone satire.
A request from India:
Please write something on indian political scene.
NFP at his best. Love reading your articles dude.
The article was a half-hearted attempt at humor so I would suggest NFP to please leave the humor to the comedians. I’d like to know how could one write this crap and expect people to read it.
No other word but “Amazing”.
I agree 100% with “peter, Berlin, Germany “. I have given you my Nobel Prize. Your command on language, expression and analytical thinking ability is out of the world. The world looks forward to see great writings from you.
Dear Pakistanis, let us (non-Pakistanis) assure you that we love NFP for his writing style not because of anti-Pakistan writings like some of the anti-NFP’s think. Please don’t hate him just because we love him.
Well Done NFP, all characters mentioned in your articles deserve the pudding you gave them to eat. You forgot the Eagle (Shaheen) an intellectual Parrot of Masters. Keep on writing, we all enjoy your columns. There were some more people which you missed.
lol. Amazing write up indeed. NFP hats off to you
Dear Mr. Paracha, What a lovely writing. You have a way to express the realities today but in this humorous way. I am thrilled & laugh a lot.
Keep it up dear. We miss this kind of writing. BRAVO
I bet you can’t face *Zion* hamid in real life.
Admit it; you are just master of words and nothing else unfortunately
To be honest, the entire post seemed useless to me except the particular part where you drove the nail into the issue of Pakistani TV anchors – and very rightly so!!
These hypocritical anchor/actors love the sensational game of stirring the mass sentiment with their claptrap theories founded upon nothing – for what else would a person lacking the intellectual capacity to handle better notions survive if those pertaining to mundane things would disappear, and so would his chance to extrapolate them into giant entities, making a storm out of nothing.
That’s precisely what our media anchors are doing right now – from their conspiracy theories to sensational, sometimes false, reporting of how democracy is in danger and repeated citations of it’s weaknesses and possibility of army interventions clearly point to the fact that our media ‘industry’ needs to grow up!