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Pakistan’s New Media Dictionary

Pakistan’s New Media Dictionary

Advertising:
A very important phenomenon in the Pakistani electronic media, where little, irritating films about fairness creams and mobile phone connections become the lifeline of big, irritating seths running really irritating TV channels. Also, the constant source of that wonderfully poignant line, ‘choti si break,’ which, however, may last as long as a military dictatorship in Pakistan.

Asif Ali Zardari:
A custom-made punching bag with prominent teeth for talk show hosts to practice their jihadi judo chops and passionate, ‘anti-corruption’ missionary positions on.

Aamir Liaquat:
Name of a special Pilgrimage Package offered by Peo Travels (Pvt.) Ltd. to specifically attract fitnahs to go for Haj and get God’s approval of their meaningful hatred of sub-humans (such as Jews, Ahmadiyyas, Hindus, liberals and swine flu carriers). Also the name of a hyperbolic over-actor masquerading as a ‘religious scholar’ on a TV drama masquerading as a ‘religious advice show’ on a gossip channel masquerading as a ‘news channel.’

Aishwarya Rai:
Famous Indian tree-hugger (especially on mangals), who is also a favourite of rabid anti-Hindu Pakistanis who will let her go (along with her tree, but not her husband), when they conquer India during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD and slaughter all the Hindus of the world with their nuclear-powered laser-swords and bad TV shows, such as Muhammad Bin Iqbal Saladin Qasim Ka Pakistan.

Aaj TV:
A TV channel you’d rather leave for kal (as in yesterday).

Aag TV:
The favourite music channel of freckled, teenaged fascists.

ARY News:
A TV channel set up by jewellers. Get the picture?

Bobby Master:
Some guy who serves tea at a famous Pakistani TV channel. Most probably the most intelligent fellow there.

Conspiracy Theory:
A theory that is not a theory at all but a hard fact on Pakistani TV channels. Anyone disagreeing with the hard and loud factoids (conspiratorially called conspiracy theorists), is a Mossad/CIA/RAW/NASA/KFC agent and a possible swine flu carrier who would be lined up against the walls of Delhi’s Red Fort and shot dead during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind in 2012 AD.

Dr. Danish:
A dentist.

Duniya TV:

A channel on which Sohail Warraich tries to be funny, and Najam Sethi, serious.

Dawn.Com:
A place where tiny worthless dots gather at dawn to receive handouts from the many myriad enemies of Pakistan –  such as, Indians, Americans, Israelites and Tellytubbies – so that they can use cyberspace to spread their anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Shan propaganda through anti-Islam, anti-Pakistan, anti-Tigar Balm writers, columnists, subeditors, reporters, accountants, tea boys and gymnasts. Just what this article is doing on this site, I have no idea. All I know is it’s a conspiracy because Rana Naveedul Hassan said so.

DawnNews:
A groovy hang out where pleasant young men and women practice and sharpen their newly acquired American accents by toning their frequently mobile jaws. Here, cops become ‘caaps,’ jobs become ‘jaabs,’ Pakistan becomes ‘Pai-khis-tan,’ and Karachi becomes LA.

Dr. Shahid Masood:
A TV hakeem famous for his tangy concoctions and cocktails made from the equally famous witch-doctor Harun Yahya’s recipes of Vulcan stew, Martian soup, and other out-of-space (and out-of-mind) delicacies. If you look closely, you will notice that the good doctor also has a moustache, which many believe was gifted to him by Hamid Gul on his second birthday in 377 BC, during the first Ghazwa-ul-Hind.

Eeeeek!
A common female vocal response after watching Dr. Masood’s moustache fall every time someone mentions ‘PTV’ or something about him having a Canadian passport.
‘Me? No. (Plop!) Oops.’
‘Eeeek …!’

Express News:
An express-ion connoting something half-baked, done in a hurry. Example: ‘All pace and no substance makes Jack an Express News.’

Geo TV:
A Mongolian TV brand that can be watched on horseback while triumphantly marching into Hindustan during the Ghazwa-ul-Hind, Holi,Dewali, and Filmfare Awards. Shows programs hosted by hard, loud factoids bred on prime Vulcan stew and Hilal ki Ding Dong Bubblegum.

Ghazwa-ul-Hind:
A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.

Hamid Mir:
A wrestler.

Hamid Gul:
The guy who gave Shahid Masood his moustache and the man Masood hasn’t stopped thanking. ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ ‘Thank you, Hamid Gul sahib, for coming on the show…’ Why can’t his show just be called The Gul-Masood Show?

Indus News:

A news channels watched on the banks of the River Indus. By fish.

Iqbal Ka Pakistan:
The show that makes the great allama roll in his grave each week.

Imran Khan:
A man who still thinks the Taliban is a brand name for a series of chubby, cuddly teddy bears.

Kashif Abbasi:
A TV anchor whose eyes turned green after he’s had a bit too much of Dr. Masood’s Vulcan stew.

Kamran Khan:
A very dry man.

Maria B.
A fashion designer who is a fan of Zaid Hamid and thus keeps getting a ‘C’ in politics. She should actually be called Maria C., or Maria Z. Or better, Maria GHB (Maria Ghuzwa-ul-Hind B).

Munawar Hussain:

A guy who believes the Taliban are bigger than Elvis.

Mushtaq Minhas:
A very strange man.

Nusrat Javed:
Another very strange man.

Nadeem F. Paracha:
An abomination brought to life by the Elders of Zion and the illuminati to misguide innocent young Pakistani patriots and mohib-e-watan-Ghazwa-ul-Hind warriors with the help of CIA money, NASA spacesuits, and KFC Zinger Burgers. Most probably has ancient Dravidian Hindu blood running in his veins and is certainly out to destroy the super-duper Muslim master-race.

Nadia Khan:
A woman who grew up watching too many Hasina Moin plays.

Nawaz Sharif:
The ‘N’ in PML-N, some of whose starlets are still trying to put an ‘N’ in the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) as well. Example: PTT-N. Likely to be disappointed.

PTV:

The channel only Rehman Malik and Bilawal Bhutto watch.

Qazi Hussain Ahmed:
A very old man.

Taliban:
Very hairy people who, in spite of being extremely obvious and ubiquitous, are still treated as ghosts by many TV hosts and their guests. They’d rather believe Elvis is alive than agree that it is the Taliban who are blowing themselves up in markets and mosques every now and then.
Example:
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who are these men?
News Item: Taliban take responsibility for Pindi mosque blast.
Host: Who can these terrorists be?
News Item: TALIBAN TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR PINDI MOSQUE BLAST!!!
Host: Who can do such a thing? Is it the Indians? Israel? CIA? Elvis?

Zaid Hamid:
A fast-talking rap artiste who stole Ali Azmat’s soul (and guitar), and turned Aag TV into the official Ghazwa-ul-Hind music channel. His biggest hits are ‘Let’s march on Delhi, y’all!’ ‘Hindus are insects, y’all,’ ‘I love wars, y’all,’ ‘M. B. Qasim is ma man, y’all,’ ‘So is Maria B, y’all,’ ‘Even though she’s a woman, y’all.’ Recently, Zaid also claimed that Ali Azmat’s tind is a UFO landing site. Ali was thrilled.

nadeem_80x80 Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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341 Responses to “Pakistan’s New Media Dictionary”

  1. Imran says:

    This is hilarious!

    rofl@Yoda

    “Ghazwa-ul-Hind:
    A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.”

  2. Eddie Wharry says:

    I like your writing style.

  3. Maliha Aqueel says:

    HILARIOUS!! and exactly to the point too =D loved each and every one of these you KFC agent. You’re a wonderful writer not like all those vegetable writers out there. Much appreciated NFP!

  4. Sana Roger says:

    Off the hook! hilarious!

  5. Mu118 says:

    Awesome piece buddy! :-)

  6. Luv it says:

    Ghazwa-ul-Hind:
    A forthcoming Lollywood science-fiction blockbuster directed by Zaid Hamid, produced by Dr. Shahid Masood, and staring Maria B., Ali Azmat, Hamid Gul, Irfan Siddiqui, and Yoda.

    Simply awesome!!!

  7. Very interesting funny post. I like PTV one.

    PTV:
    The channel only Rehman Malik and Bilawal Bhutto watch.

    This is really a funny philosophy……………….

  8. Saad Usmani says:

    Excellent dictionary.

  9. Aiya says:

    TOTALLLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Gowt k says:

    Great job… brother…
    LOL… specially about Zaid Hamid..

  11. Danish Falah says:

    I agree with all the meanings of your dictionary, except for Nadeem F. Paracha.

  12. honey says:

    Wow man great thinking.

  13. Owais says:

    Another master-piece – but im getting a bit irrated now – This Zaid Hamid and Mullah bashing all the time just makes you extremely one dimensional and rather boring now.

  14. Nina says:

    It’s nice and very true

  15. observer says:

    Pakistani channels have achieved the height of fiction. The anchors think of themselves as philosophers and I think the viewers take them on their words, what a sad state of affairs! The guests and the anchors of Pakistani TV don’t deserve to be on TV!!

  16. Fátimah Isabelh says:

    Olá, My name is Fátima I am from Brazil. Very good dictionary. I am laughing till now. I read dawn.com everyday because I am a curious girl and have some friends from Pakistan and I am always worried as the situation nowadays are. You are genius, God bless you. I wish 2010 for Pakistani people with less violence, more peace, job, education for all children. I think education (schools) is key for all problems in society, there or here.

  17. Amir says:

    Awesome.. Keep it coming.

  18. Faisal says:

    Great Work NFP.. Aptly described the state of our media and the propoganda machine.. Keep Writing…

  19. AFTAB says:

    The whole article written above makes me wonder what humor is. There shouldn’t be spin in writing humor, at least the good thing about author is how beautifully he described himself.

  20. farrahshah says:

    Excellent outburst of creative humor.

    What surprise me though is the Indian comments surprised if they watch our media this much than God Bless them as we do not watch it that often neither do we take it so seriously.

  21. Bertrand Ghussel says:

    Interesting and funny, and relatively true.

  22. mustafa says:

    Good, keep on writing.

  23. Ammar says:

    Awesome..

    two thumbs up.

  24. hindu infidel says:

    I hope people listen to this man rather than Zaid Hamid.

  25. Shafiqa khan says:

    Very nice dear :)
    Keep it up Sir.

    Regards

  26. Raza says:

    Nadeem F. Paracha

    Keep it up

    Good job.

  27. Fahad says:

    True… from the beginning till the end

  28. Ali Ahmad says:

    Lol..Brilliant work Mr. Nadeem!

    But Mr. Hamid could be named something else. Something more funny!

    Nice article.

  29. Abdullah Hussain says:

    Ahmed Ilyas says:I feel sorry for this writer. Recently I started reading his work and to be honest I feel this guy is so bored with his life that he sits all day thinking about what is wrong with this country or people around him.

    ——————————————–

    Brother you are not alone in thinking so. A vast majority of the readers think so. At times we have to taste a sour grape as well.
    AH


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