Last month, the Punjab Assembly resolved to ban all late-night call packages offered by mobile telecommunications companies in the province. During vigorous assembly debates, it was concluded that the ability to make cheap, late-night phone calls was having a negative impact on this country’s bright young things. Forget terrorism, the energy crisis, a weakened government, and water shortages - apparently boys and girls texting and calling each other past their bed time has become a matter of national concern.

Hence the assembly resolution demanding that mobile companies stop promoting “cheap rate, late night packages that alter societal tendencies.” Luckily for us nocturnal phone addicts, the powers that be haven’t yet discovered the prevalence of instant messenger or the internet.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but cheap mobile packages don't corrupt the youth, society corrupts the youth. After all, the previous generation grew up without mobile phones, the internet, cable television, and Gossip Girl, and they've hardly turned out to be bastions of virtue.

The youth’s desire for healthy communicative relationships won’t evaporate because placing a call gets a few bucks more expensive. Youngsters invest in relationships the same way our army invests in defence: frequently, expensively, and with no regard for better judgement.

This measure is the latest in long-standing social and political movement to micromanage the morality of young Pakistanis. Society's pandering and preaching has long complicated any healthy degree of interaction between the sexes. Most parents (of girls, in particular) are heavily in favour of social segregation. As a result, there are already enough impediments to gender-mixing without the government getting a piece of the action as well.

To a large extent, family impediments are impenetrable – and incomprehensible. Take the following examples:

The Dad Double Standard: It's tough for a guy to get to know a girl in a healthy manner, and fathers of young girls prefer to keep it that way. As far as Dads are concerned, the only boys their daughters ought to speak with are ones that don't exist. Think of it as the ‘Beti, get yourself an imaginary friend’ syndrome if you will.

Ironically, the rules don’t apply vice versa. If a father sees his virile son 'hanging out' with girls, it's taken as a sign of how masculine his son is and seen as time to hand out cigars and buy the boy his first Kalashnikov.

Mom Protection Agency: Moms are terrific, but let no one be fooled: these women are hellbent on protecting their daughters’ ‘piety,’ even if it means hiring their a personalised Blackwater security detail to follow their girls around. Instructions are simple, 'If you see a larka talk to her, shoot him'.

On the flip side, if a mother sees her sons associating with members of the opposite sex, she immediately assumes that the girl is trying to ‘trap’ him and orders in another private mercenary. What a world we live in.

Above and beyond the Dad Double Standard and Mom Protection Agency, youngsters who want to get to know each other a bit better will now have to contend with the Punjab Assembly.

On this point, I can fume, I can cry, or I can ridicule. I’ve decided to go with ridicule.

So let’s help our virtuous, morally sound, and socially conscious government out. What other inane acts of grandstanding can they indulge in to prevent the altering of societal tendencies among today’s youth?

They can start with the establishment of a new ministry for Aunties United in Napalming & Tormenting the Youth. The AUNTY Ministry will be responsible for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice amongst the youth. They will be committed to nation-building and progress by minimising any interaction between boys and girls, and they will promote virtue by…well, that’s in next year's budget.

Here are some initiatives on the agenda of the AUNTY Ministry:

1. Shopping Malls Law: Women will only be allowed to visit shopping areas for certain hours of the day. The AUNTY Ministry can liberally whip (yes, they will be issued Made in China whips) the predominantly male shop owners at will ... how dare they look at their customers during a good price haggling session. Men are recommended to launch a Pakistani version of E-Bay.

2. Face-to-Face Interactions Initiative: The solution is simple: don't let women leave their homes – ever. Female parliamentarians can install webcams in the provincial and national assemblies and vote via G-chat. In fact, the AUNTY ministry will combine this initiative with their recommendation for a massive expansion of online colleges and classes. How dare young boys be in a situation where they might even smell a girl!?! The exposure may even drive youngsters into a frenzy, prompting them to place late-night calls without the benefits of a package discount.

3. Gaming Zones Restrictions: Currently, video game centres are man havens – girls just don't play video games. However, in anticipation of the mehndi version of Dance Dance Revolution and Rock Band, the AUNTY Ministry recommends a ban on gaming for all women (this will apply in the early morning and afternoon as well as late at night). Oddly enough, this will be the one proclamation that neither sex will be too bothered with.

5. Ladies lunch laws: Close down all 'family' sections of restaurants and install video cameras that relay the footage of mixed-gender meals on the web, thereby allowing parents and the AUNTY ministry to track scandalous couples and punish them by lamenting how they have shamed the last 29 generations. I always enjoy a good show with my dinner.

The Big Idea: Today’s 'youth' don't need paternalistic protectionist polices, though in our heart of hearts, we are honoured that our elected officials care – it’s so flattering, really. We'd greatly appreciate it, however, if they could focus their energies on prevalent issues such as load shedding, unemployment, and food prices. Ultimately, politicians are elected to govern, not to preach or parent, particularly when their own track record is so dicey. Pity the youth don't vote … maybe we should?

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.