We’re going to get slaughtered in England. I think you should know this. It doesn’t matter what pitches we play on, or who exactly plays for Australia (early part of the summer) or England (latter half of the summer), or who captains our side, or what inane thing Ijaz Butt says on a particular day – we’re going to get slaughtered in England. In my esteemed role as a Dawn.com blogger, I feel it is my responsibility to calibrate readers’ expectations to something approaching realistic, so once again: we’re going to get slaughtered in England.
That said, the team we pick can and will make the difference between being slaughtered organic-style, and being slaughtered in one of those mechanised slaughterhouses that I saw in Food Inc that made me a vegetarian for a couple of days. So here’s my handy five-step guide on how to avoid being embarrassed.
1. Pick the batsmen entirely on the basis of their fielding ability.
And you think I’m joking. If memory serves, we dropped an average of four catches a day on our twin tour to New Zealand and Australia. Not four catches a match, or even innings. Four catches a day. It was a team effort – the Akmal brothers, Imran Farhat, Misbah, even the bowlers.
Here’s the problem: our bowling attack is now a very non-traditional one, in the Pakistani sense. Our three best bowlers in history – Imran, Wasim and Waqar – were all wicket-to-wicket bowlers, who’d get tons of batsmen LBW or bowled. In effect, they took our pathetic fielding out of the equation. But our newer bowlers, guys like Asif and Aamer, are most Western in orientation, relying on edges and miscues to get batsmen out. It’s not better or worse, it’s just different. But this method does presuppose a halfway adequate fielding side, especially behind the wicket, which we are decidedly not. Which is why we need to pick our batting solely on whether they can field or not.
Think about it: would you rather have Imran Farhat, with a test batting average of 33, opening the batting, or Imran Nazir, with a test batting average of 32? Both would fail miserably in English conditions against good bowling, but at least the latter wouldn’t cost the team hundreds of runs in the field.
I don’t know if we have six or even five decent fielders in all of Pakistan, beyond the obvious candidates like Younis Khan and Fawad Alam. But it’s not my job to know; it’s the selectors’. Between now and when the team for the summer is announced, I want them to scour the country for people who can dive, take catches and stop boundaries. Pick them, and then send them to England.
2. Don’t let Shoaib Malik anywhere near the team
This guy is the cricketing equivalent of the plague. Pakistani cricketers are rarely united on anything, but one thing they do all agree on is the fact that Malik is the embodiment of evil. Doesn’t that tell you something?
Pardon me if I don’t find his assurances of being a “changed man” entirely convincing. He’s still the guy who poisoned the team, who single-handedly led to the factionalisation of the dressing room, who turned against two captains, and who backed out of batting at number three when he saw a difficult pitch. He’s been this way for a long time, and he deep down harbors the hope of becoming captain again, which means only one thing: he will sabotage Shahid Afridi the same way he did Younis and Yousuf. Just wait and see.
Look, Pakistani cricketers find it hard enough to get along, without throwing a diabolical schemer like Malik into the mix. It would serve us all if instead of his wife giving up her career, he gives up his. But if he isn’t going to go away of his own volition, the selectors should send him away.
3. Drop Kamran Akmal.
Akmal returns to the scene of the crime. You may recall that before the England tour of 2006, Akmal was one of the world’s two best keeper-batsmen. He was very assured behind the stumps, scored crucial runs, and was generally thought of as one of the pillars the team would be built around for the next decade. But it all fell apart for him on that tour, and he hasn’t been able to recover any semblance of form behind the stumps since then.
The decline and fall of Akmal is a truly shocking and as-yet unexplained story. Does anyone actually know what’s happened to him? How did he go from being one of the safest and most agile keepers in the world to absolute rubbish? Seriously, does anyone have an answer?
Either way, we can’t afford to have this guy author any more game-changing moments. For as long as I am alive I will not forget his performance at Sydney, when he was more supportive to Mike Hussey than the Aussie tail. In fact, I’m fairly certain Akmal has links to sectarian and militant outfits in Punjab; there is no other explanation for his consistent and unmitigated efforts at ending Danish Kaneria’s career.
Play him as a batsman if you must, but please, for the love of everything that is sane and holy, don’t let him keep.
4. Hope Shoaib Akhtar gets injured
Actually this one should take care of itself. I give him, I don’t know, six overs before he pulls up at the Asia Cup. Chalo, eight overs.
I once wrote a 2000-word essay on why Pakistan needs to say goodbye to Shoaib Akhtar. You know the crazy thing? That was three years ago. That is, just after he got banned and unbanned for steroids but before he smacked Asif with a bat in the dressing room, before the liposuction and the sexually transmitted diseases, before his Bollywood career crashed and burned without actually getting started, before countless other injuries and ailments, and before the most drunken performance as a studio analyst during the recent World T20 in the Caribbean that one could ever hope to witness (come on, we all know he wasn’t sipping coffee).
I’ve got nothing personal against this guy; as characters go he is less unseemly than the Akmals and Yousuf and Misbah, never mind Malik. But he’s a distraction and can’t be counted upon. Luckily, we won’t have to worry about this too much. You watch, he’ll be home before the Asia Cup is finished.
5. Kidnap Mike Hussey
I can’t possibly be the only Pakistani who’s had enough of this guy. It’s time to take more serious measures. Lord knows our cricketing establishment has connections to the seedy underworld of Karachi and Dubai. Let’s take advantage of it. Because, honestly, I can’t deal with another St.Lucia, let alone another Sydney. It’s time to put a stop to this menace.
Ahsan Butt is a PhD candidate in Political Science at the University of Chicago, and he blogs at Five Rupees.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
LOL! Kidnap Mike Hussey definitely my favourite point!
hehe nice one … I am all for playing the Akmal batsman only but I think comparison with Nazir is harsh for Farhat … he had a semi decent run down under and surprisingly the only stability in that tour came from the top order I would think Afridi and Younis are a must for the slip cordon and possibly Umar at 3rd.
lol Danish Kaneria.
kudos
What a great piece of writing! It’s hilarious. And, I think you’ve got really good arguments. Wish other cricket writers could write like this. The stuff about Malik and Kamran and even Shoaib…one the spot. And really funny! Congrats. You have a gift for writing. Hope you write more. It’s really amusing. Nothing dry about it. And you appreciate cricket in a way we all do, but cricket writers are unwilling to say these things. Perhaps that is why you are writing it as a blog and not as a columnist. The connections with underworld! haha. We all know about it. But it’s really funny you mention it. PCB should hire you as a consultant! Or, even better, make you the chairman! That will be the happy ending to what is so far a tragedy. It’s like Malcolm X vs. Martin Luther. The former truly represented the people’s point of view. You are the Malcolm X of Pakistani cricket! Keep writing! It brought us a lot of joy. Finally something to be happy about.
I AGREE WITH EACH AND EVERYTHING!!!!!ASIA CUP IS NEAR NOW SO LET SEE WHAT THEY DO!!!!!
I think the best ever analysis of Pakistani Cricket, its (past) strengths and present weaknesses and its realpolitik. Something I wanted to say ages ago. In fact something I wanted Pakistanis to read. I ,somehow, seriously doubt that Gul was/is ‘left out’.
And finally how finely it touches Dubai and Karachi connections…. what a great context. You truly deserve to be a PhD candidate… you got what it needs. My God I am feeling so envious
Ahsan, who says criticism as an OUTstander is difficult. I just would like to say keep blaming individuals and you will find other individuals to blame ever deeper. Throwing out some good players Kamran and Malik will do no good. I suggest to hand over the cricket board to an Australian if Imran Khan won’t accept the position because the way I see it the patron is planning to hand it over to Mr. Dasti after Mr. Butt is removed unceremoniously after the England tour.
Interesting…………giving the board to an Ausie……why not. Those guys downunder really know how to run cricket affairs……..no wonder they continue to be world beaters for so many years consistently……….Imran why don’t you take a break from politics…….its become way too dirty for a gentleman like yourself.
Excellent.But why didn’t you write anything about Afridi.He was involved in Akthar bashing Asif,how about ball biting and refused to play Test cricket.
very well written……..truth in crude form….I have played and followed cricket for last twenty years,and this the first time not only me but every other person thinks that there will be unavoidable and crushing defeat in England.I have watched pakistani team closely in Australia and follow Australian first class cricket,Pakistan batting talent is absolutely no where close to those who play first class cricket here in Australia…….There were two exceptions ,Younis and Yousuf ,both missing.
Ahsan,
You nailed it! All these characters need to go. Who is Malik? How could he force himself in the side after all those testimonies, confessions of wrong doing. Playing against the interest of your country, I suppose that should be counted as treason, oh well! We are Pakistani after all.
Sorry bro …
your article was too negatively approached. Instead of offering some positive tips…u just focused on the darker side.
I respect your views, therefore same goes for mine.
Excellent peice of wirting couldn’t agree with you more and surely our cricket does not need any other Saint Lucia or chronicles of sydney cricket ground. In my view we would not be able to win a single match against Australia for next 2 or 3 years just beacuse what Hussey did to us in t20 semi final. But lets be hopeful i know the situation is very gloomy lets hope against hope that these bunch of crickters will gel together as a team and make us prou for once (the feeling that we as nation have totally forgotten).
Excellcent article Ahsan!!!
I might not agree on Akmal’s point as I think he is coming back to himself as a keeper, but then again as Malik is back in the game ….I can be totally worng.
PAKISTAN is the only team, whose past performance/facts doesn’t count at all !!! and we have seen it on numerous occasions.
We play, and play good cricket when its just our day. We play fearless cricket irrespective of Akmals, Khans, Aktars or Maliks. We have always been an unpredictible team. So these analysis/facts/ pessimistic opinions doesn’t matter. All matters is one good day!
P.S: Even Muhammad Yousuf takes miraclous catches on his day.
Absolutely Brilliant!
This is the funniest and most polished cricket analysis of Pakistan cricket that I have ever come across.
Dude!
Why are you being such a pessimistic?!? Everybody knows our team’s got the goods. They’re just not stable enough to get it right in the games… We just need a captain or coach that can talk to them and get them firing. Maybe Afridi can make it happen.. Lets see.
So lets change this attitude, and expect good things going into a competition.
Umaid
Excellent tips for PCB and the big Butt!
I think I would keep Akhtar in the T-20 side only, he can probably bowl 4 overs with good speed like Tait.
Akhtar can possibly bowl 6 overs in an ODI, if he can take 2-3 wickets then he is worth it.
Ahsan, the first thing you have mentioned is “fielding” and on the other hand you wrote about exclusion of Shoaib Malik, but if you have seen Pakistani fielders then the best men Ive seen in fieldling are Fawad Alam and Shoaib Malik.
Have you ever seen our new VICE CAPTAIN(Salman Butt) fielding? always the worst in the team and always trying to field where the bowl hardly comes.
hahaha.. i’m loving it !
i wish we could replace “EJAZ BUTT” with “AHSAN BUTT” … . !!!
lolzzz…… nice article man
Its good that we are not expecting anything at all this time around from the team……if they win ..we will be happy ….by the way…whatever way the team is playing…at the moment this is the best we got…
Pt 1 – excellent.
haha..its hilarious..I think the most serious issue is the Malik issue.. Afridi is gonna tear him apart if he dares to mess..newly wed groom shouldn’t be having any evil ideas for now
..
Applaud Mr. Ahsan Butt
VERY WELL WRITTEN
Hahah, laughed my heads off, brilliantly put together indeed!
ahsan, had you published this blog a few weeks back, it would have been beneficial to the PCB but alas none of your suggestions have been implemented by the Board
Ahsan let me know if you need any help with the 5th point .
hahaaha..good one saulat …
excellent analysis and tips!!!