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Politics & media in Pakistan: another new dictionary

Politics & media in Pakistan: another new dictionary

Asif Ali Zardari:

Wealthy salesman for Bata Shoes. Recently got a shoe thrown at him by a dissatisfied customer.

Army:

Pakistan’s largest political party. Has ruled the most without ever contesting an election. Has a wonderful tradition of coming in swinging a danda, then running out waving a white flag. Enjoys great support among the chattering classes across the country’s drawing-rooms.

America:

A very fattening beef burger which dietitians hate but can’t avoid.

Altaf Hussain:

A loud Punjabi film actor playing the role of a Mohajir politician. Also likes to wear very tight pajamas. Says they keep his weight in check. It doesn’t show, though.

Awami National Party (ANP):

A Pukhtun nationalist party which speaks a different dialect of Pushtu than the dialect used by the Taliban. For example, the word ‘democracy’ when said by ANP is mistaken to mean ‘kill me’ by the Taliban. So they keep killing ANP people believing that’s what they keep asking them to do.

ARWhy News:

A jewelry-business-turned-TV-channel that deals in rare pearls and jewels of wisdom: i.e. Shahid Masood and Aamir Liaquat.

Ahmadiyya:

A race of mutant aliens living quietly in Pakistan and whose existence only becomes known when they are either killed, attacked or bullied by righteous Pakistani Muslims.

Babar Awan:

A creepy looking politician who is planted in the PPP by a sinister underground cult organization that awaits the resurrection of Ziaul Haq.

Bhutto Family:

A political dynasty whose members are labeled as witches and sorcerers when alive but as saints and saviors after they die.

Breaking News:

Small news with big music.

Daily Jangju:

War. Conflict. Clash. Quarrel. Squabble. Profit.

Fundamentalism:

Fun according to mental people.

Fauzia Wahab:

A very boisterous lady who shouts loud little nothings until she goes from being Fauzia to Nauzia.

Fazalur Rheman:

A walking talking stomach.

Fatima Bhutto:

An angst-ridden fictional character on the famous TV soap-opera, ‘Bold and the Bhuttoful.’ Also appears in the racy novelization of the soap, ‘Songs of Blood Sword, Gore & My Furry Lil’ Teddy Bear,’ where she appears as a 3-year-old peace activist of the pacifist organization called Al-Zulfikar run by her equally peaceful and pacifist father, Murtaza Bhutto.

Hamid Gul:

Senility mistaken as nobility.

Hudood Ordinance:

A law enacted by ameer-ul-momineen Hazrat Ziaul Haq to stop women from breathing too loudly because that could distract pious Muslim males from doing good works like flogging, stoning, killing ‘kafirs,’ and discussing the divine merits of keeping a beard.

Any woman caught under the Hudood law or even seen slightly moving her nostrils while breathing is to be arrested, flogged, stoned and told about the divine merits of keeping a beard.

Imran Khan:

A middle-aged man who played cricket as if he was a politician and is doing politics as if he is was a cricketer. Also, he just can’t get himself to denounce Islamic extremists. He insists Hugh Grant is a bigger threat.

Jamat-i-islami:

A political party formed twelve hundred years ago in Baghdad during the Abbasid period.

It was rudely transported to the 20th century by an evil Jew jinn through a time traveling devise. Since then the Jamat has been stuck here, wanting to go back twelve hundred years to its own time. But the only problem is, it wants to take the whole country back with it as well.

Jemima Khan:

A very rich white woman who had a serious dislike of late Benazir Bhutto because Bhutto was almost as rich but not white enough.

Javedie Chaurdhr:

(See John The Baptist).

Kashmala Tariq:

A very pretty lady. And petite too.

Kamlan Khan:

A good example of how much good lots of mouth foam and spit can do to one’s career as a talk-show host. Always wanted to call his TV show ‘The Wrath of Khan’ instead of ‘Aaj Kamlan Khan Kay Saath’. But the owner of Peo TV, Captain James T. Kirk, refused; even though Kamlan insisted he had Klingon ancestry.

Kashmir:

A very confused map that looks one way to the Indians and another way to the Pakistanis.

Kalashnikov Culture:

An indigenous and prominent side of the Pakistani culture in which men use the AK-47 for everything ranging from fighting gang wars to firing in the air to celebrate election victories, weddings, new years eve and baby showers. Some Pakistani men have also been known to pick their teeth with an AK-47 after a hearty meal.

Klashif Abbasi:

A very rowdy mother-in-law.

Lashkar-e-Tayba:

Men who pick their teeth with AK-47’s. They burp a lot as well. Very loudly.

Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM):

A gathering of men who like to wear very tight pajamas. They also like to gather in large numbers in front of a telephone set every now and then.

Marvi Memon:

Marvi is to politics what Veronica was to Archie.

Muttahida Majlas-e-Amal (MMA):

A high-fat, asli ghee variant of M&Ms.

Mehe Bukhar:

A woman with the ability to say ‘duh’ the most loudly. Also says other things but not so convincingly.

Nawaz Sharif:

Former Lahore phelwaan (wrestler) and meat-eater who gave up wrestling and meat and became a khajoor-loving peacenik in the liberal and freewheeling country of Saudi Arabia. Returned to Pakistan with long hair and flowers in his hair. This greatly disappointed his meat-eating friends like Rana Sannullah, Ahsan Iqbal and Khwaja Rafique who lamented the fact that their ex-phehelwan buddy had become a sissy. “Where’s the beef, Mian Sahib?” They asked him. “The beef’s in the peace, mutt-heads,” he replied. This made Peo TV very sad which asked its employee, Hamid Mir, to donate some of his own fat to Mian Sahib so he could rediscover the wonders of meat. Now every time Mian Sahib’s cholesterol hits a peak, he can be heard saying things like, “no more friendly opposition;” which makes Peo TV very happy. And fat.

Nasim Tehra:

Human species of the cat family.

Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP):

(See Bhutto Family).

Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N):

(Don’t see Mohammad Ali Jinnah).

PawnNews:

An English TV news channel broadcasting in Urdu. Or something like Urdu.

Pawn:

A sun-dried sheet of paper used by very young writers, such as Ardeshir Cowasjee.

Pakistan Muslim League-Quaid (PML-Q):

(Can’t see Whatever)

Parvez Musharraf:

Someone my niece knows from Facebook.

Pakistan Thereek-e-Insaaf (PTI):

A political party which is always facing reverse swing in elections.

(See also Imran Khan).

Peo News:

A very objective, balanced and fair TV news channel which knows that the world is round but gives the largest voice and platform in Pakistan to people who claim that it is flat. However, since the world is flat bit gets Peo the most viewers and sponsors, some of its employees have actually started to believe that indeed the world is flat. And man never walked on the moon; and the Taliban are just a figment of the wild imagination of the liberals; and the recent tragic floods are actually due to the ‘sazish’ of India, Afghanistan, Papua New Gunnie and the Ahmadiyyas; and that Elvis is still alive and living somewhere in the President House in Islamabad.

Politicians:

A breed of people who are nurtured and raised as punching bags for the Army, the media and bored urban middle-class folks to vent out their frustrations and practice their latest karate chops on. And, oh, of course, politicians are the only ones in this otherwise glorious and pious country who are corrupt and should be held accountable. The rest are obviously saints.

Pervez Ilahi:

Man who couldn’t be king.

Quaid-e-Azam:

Famous Islamic warrior who fought the evil forces of Christianity, Judaism and Hinduism to create a muscular Islamic republic based on the laws of the sharia, sunnah and Saudi aid. He was also a great visionary who rightly predicted that his martyrdom will inspire the birth of other great Islamic warriors like Ziaul Haq, Hamid Gul, Rana Sannaullah, Mulla Omar and Inzimamul Haq.

Rana Sanaullah:

PML-N politician who eats a lot of raw meat and uses a wrought iron bicycle handlebar as a mustache to prove he’s a man. Also likes to hold hands and go for long walks with members of extremist organizations. (See also Mutt-Head).

Sansar Abbasi:

A newspaper reporter who spends all his time on TV. Whines a lot as well. Actually has jet black hair and beard, but uses grey hair dye to look wise and respectable, doesn’t work.

Sunni Muslims:

Muslims who fly too close to the sun.

Shia Muslims:

Muslims who only come out when there’s a solar eclipse.

Shahid Nasood:

A papaya who when affected by a rare strain of Congo fever turned into a man who when affected by a rare strain of dengue fever turned into a talk-show host who when affected by a rare strain of Zardari-tus went bonkers!

Taliban:

Cuddly teddy bears that have caused damages and deaths worth billions of dollars in Punjab and Khyber-Pukhtunkhwa but now want to give $20 million dollars to the flood victims in the Punjab and Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa. Their grudge is why the floods are killing all these Pakistanis. It should be them doing all the killing.

Wamid Mir:

Mian Nawaz Sharif’s bodyguard.

Waxpress 24/7:

An Urdu TV news channel broadcasting in English. Or something like English.

X-rated:

TV shows that can morally and politically damage young minds. Example: ‘Zalim Online,’Meray Muta-bak-bak,’ ‘Brastarps,’ ‘Nadia Can’t Show,’ etc.

YouTube:

The website from where scholars like Allama Ali Azmat gets all his knowledge, wisdom and insights from.

Zalim Liaquat:

Also known as Al-Casanova-wal-Yemeni, Zalim is a politician-turned-televangelist who specializes in reciting naats, promoting religious harmony, and burning custom-made statuettes of the Hindu goddess Kali. Is a passionate advocate of illiteracy because he believes that modern education is the work of Satan – and bad for his TV show’s ratings. Is a fan of designer shirvanees that are gifted to him by his tableeghi friend, Maullana Junaid Jamshed, who himself can’t fit into the shirvanees anymore due to the mandatory protruding paunch a tableeghi must have!

Ziaul Haq:

Famous star of various Lollywood kung-fu movies such as, Jaw of Death; The Grin Reaper; Enter The Mujahid; Judo Hudood; When Hairy Met Belly; and the The Blue Lagoon.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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212 Responses to “Politics & media in Pakistan: another new dictionary”

  1. T says:

    LOL!!!! Awesome!!!!!

  2. nasir Mahmood says:

    Right on NFP, specially loved your take on Jinnah :)

  3. vishnu says:

    great buddy..though i dnt know many of the persons that u have talked of here..being an indian.but it would be good and interesting to know from u as to hopw u feel about we indians, indian institutions and stuff…
    u serusly posses great sense of humor..
    looking forward for some india special..kind of stuff from you..

  4. Sarvesh says:

    Brilliant stuff, NFP!
    Addendum:
    NFP – An intrepid pawn on the sun dried broadsheet of Pawn who refuses to pawn his wit for political correctness.

  5. farooq says:

    good.
    but not happy about remarks for Quaid and Hamid gul.
    other than that its nice and almost correct

  6. Nivedita says:

    Besides, accept it Nadeem you do have a thing for PPP, right? That’s okay so long as you accept it!

  7. Nivedita says:

    Hey Nadeem,

    Given your razor-sharp intellect and love for satire, why don’t you attempt writing one such a dictionary on India?

    Since you are a Pakistani, your understanding of your side of the story may be better but there’s no harm is knowing what a liberal human being and Pakistani at that thinks about India and us Indians. It’d be interesting!

    Just try… Best, Nivedita

  8. Awesome piece of work Mr Paracha. Big fan.

    I would say… with humor you have pointed out some interesting attributes of politicians and anchorpersons. Thoroughly enjoyed.

  9. Fahad says:

    some definitions are short, some are very long… as a whole very rude and disappointing piece of work… have a strong objection on Quaid-e-Azam’s definition… not good to write serious-cum-humurous stuff about him… don’t get your level down NFP… it’s a share piece of disappointment and empty mindedness!

  10. Fahad says:

    Some definitions are lengthy, some are too short… Some are annoyingly repetitive… have an objection only on Quaid-e-Azam’s definition, because simply can’t hear anything against him… believe it or not, but I am the one who really has respect for him… so kindly try to skip his name next time….

  11. Bilal - UAE says:

    NFP !!!

    Salute !!!!

  12. Rajesh says:

    Indian_American says:
    August 26, 2010 at 7:30
    NFP blog is the only reason why I visit Dawn website. Dude possesses some serious humor . Keep up the good work of throwing yr funny satire at politically correct hypocrites . Pakistan need more people like you to make it a better country. GO NFP . Run for the office some day . Hang Talibans and sialkot animals !!! Imrankhan comment was the best .

    Agree with all the above. ALso liked the one on Jamaat – e islami. NFP you are a real blessing and it seems Pakistan does not deserve as good and as apt a critic as you.

  13. Nishaa says:

    This was hilarious !LOL

  14. uthman hiyat says:

    Truth with a twist. Brilliant.

  15. R S JOHAR says:

    Nicely done NFP, but you are well short of your usual brilliance in this satire. Your comments about Imran Khan are appropriate. I have some suggestions for this great cricketer. Leave politics, which is not his cup of tea and open a cricket academy in Pakistan or become a bowling coach of Indian cricket team.

  16. Muhammad Imran Khan says:

    ha ha ha! hilarious! and productive too.

  17. Farah khan says:

    hmmm good one.. i did not like what you wrote about Imran Khan and Quiad-e-azam. but few were very good…

    • kahn durrani says:

      Imran khan need to be truthful to himself.he seems a bit confused,young peoples look at him as a leader. unfortunately Imran khan is not a leader but a follower.He need to set his priorities in politics as he did in cricket.

  18. Ali says:

    definition of NFP :P ???

  19. Indian_American says:

    NFP blog is the only reason why I visit Dawn website. Dude possesses some serious humor . Keep up the good work of throwing yr funny satire at politically correct hypocrites . Pakistan need more people like you to make it a better country. GO NFP . Run for the office some day . Hang Talibans and sialkot animals !!! Imrankhan comment was the best .

  20. hina says:

    Thumbs up! LOL

    Jamaat-i-islami was the funniest……hahahaha and Nawaz Sharif ….long hair…..hahahahah.

  21. SB says:

    jamat’s was the best, “….wanting to go back twelve hundred years to its own time. But the only problem is, it wants to take the whole country back with it as well.”

  22. Billu Barber says:

    It is very easy to critisize anyone and then make a fun out of them,It is imerative for all our reader here to look inside and then judge others,how much we are doing for our fellow human they are suffering in recent flooding,do not waste your time here just get up and do things for them.

  23. Ishaq says:

    U missed Salman Taseer man…… let me try..
    Salman Taseer: A man who wear Glasses in the dark and best friend of Sharief Brothers :)

  24. Conspiracy Tehreek says:

    Hilarious!

  25. AKS says:

    Superb! Hilarious! The one on Quaid was the best. Keep it going.

  26. Billu Barber says:

    NFP take a rest in a month of ramadhan,just a piece of advice from billu

    • SB says:

      not a good advice, barbarians don’t care of Ramazan, it is very dark and filthy out there and someone has to stand up and show us mirror; that is what NFP is doing.

  27. Wiseman says:

    I would like to one more correction is that Ahmedeyya live quietly but you are wrong,they have a tv channel called muslim tv which runs 24 hours giving sermons,so you are wrong here.

    • shermalick says:

      If they don’t spread hatred towards other faiths(which they don’t) then they stil be considered living quitely.

  28. Sohail Azam says:

    ZABARDAST………………………………..NFP

  29. Gr says:

    seriously people he meant how the Quaid has and is being portrayed in our country don’t comment if you cant understand humor


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