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Dr. Q T Khan’s concise history of Pakistan – I

Dr. Q T Khan’s concise history of Pakistan – I

8th-19th century

Pakistan came into being on the 14th of August 712 AD. Gallant Arab leader, conqueror, poet, and expert javelin thrower, Muhammad Bin Qasim, is believed to have founded the country.

However, some modern-day Pakistani historians suggest that Pakistan was first established by Adam, eons ago (and that is why some areas of Pakistan produce such delicious apples).

Qasim’s forces entered what is now the Sindh province of Pakistan in 712 AD. After defeating the infamous infidel playboy Raja of the area, Qasim proclaimed a pious republic, which he soon called the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

After Qasim’s success (for which he was thanked by the Caliph through torture), Muslim rulers of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded the boundaries of the country. Some Pakistani historians believe that Pakistan’s boundaries once stretched from Bharat through China and all the way to Alaska.

Though Islamic Republic of Pakistan remained large and strong with tall, dark and handsome men as rulers, it began to deviate from the true path during the Mughal era. Pakistani historians have blamed Mughal emperor Akbar for this.

Akbar, though a powerful king, was the only ruler of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan who was not tall, dark and handsome. This was due a peculiar virus that Akbar contracted from his many non-Muslim wives.

Had Akbar’s non-Muslim physicians not duped Akbar into believing that the virus was actually a show of tolerance and integration, Akbar too would have been tall, dark and handsome.

This virus made Akbar do things that can be considered blasphemous (especially the act of him becoming a vegetarian).

The deviating ways of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan were thankfully arrested by what most Pakistani historians rightly believe was the republic’s greatest ruler, Aurangzeb-ul-Haq. Aurangzeb took over the throne by peacefully blinding his dad and equally peacefully killing his two brothers.

One of Aurangzeb’s brothers, Dara Shikoh, was suffering from the same virus Akbar had suffered from. Had I been alive in those days, I would have advised Aurangzeb bhai to explode a nuclear device over Dara.

This would have killed that damn virus once and for all.

Aurangzeb imposed strict Shariah law across the whole country. He banned music, dance, alcohol, coffee, tea, basant, theatre, shaving (for both men and women), smoking, gyms (only for women), transvestites, vegetables, powered milk, shrines, Sufis and heavy metal music.

The boundaries of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded even more dramatically under the pious leadership of Aurangzeb. Some historians suggest that under him, Pakistan’s boundaries stretched from the entire subcontinent across China, Russia, Europe, Alaska all the way to the legendary city of Atlantis.

Alas, the long pious rule of Aurangzeb came to an end when he died a natural death at the young age of 90. Instead of his sons, he designated a Yemeni camel to succeed him, but the camel was soon slaughtered by his sons and its meat used to cook biryani.

While his successors were having camel biryani, the country was invaded by the British imperialists. The British brought with them a new manifestation of Christianity, called science. All of sudden, after hundreds of years, Islam was clearly under attack in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

Many gallant Muslims fought bravely against the British, but some pansy Muslim scholars like Sir Khan advised his people to adopt the new religion, science, in spite of the fact that this religion was being promoted by camel stealing Jews and malicious Christian tea addicts.

Sir Khan was a well-meaning man, but was misguided. Some Pakistani historians believe he too had contracted the Akbar virus. He began to praise the religion of science, advocating the building of colleges instead of mosques; libraries instead of madressas; and private bath tubs instead of garam hamams (public baths).

Though he had a long white beard, famous Pakistani religious scholar, Inzimamul Haq, is of the view that Sir Khan’s beard was a fake. He thinks it was given to him by one Sir John Doe, who used to dress up as Santa for the kids of British imperialists during Christmas.

Inzimam believes that if a true Muslim reads Sir Khan’s writings carefully, he will notice that all he ever said, really, was ‘ho ho ho.’

20th century

British imperialists with the diabolic co-operation of Pakistan’s Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain, animist, atheist, communist, socialist and cannibalistic shrine worshipping communities, took control of the politics, military and economy of the Islamic republic.

These were the most testing times for the Muslims of Pakistan, struggling under the yoke of evil Christian Empire ruled by evil Seth lord Sir Lord Mount Vadar and the Borg Queen Elizabeth.

Two major political parties emerged in the region. The scheming Hindus formed the Indian National Congress – they had started to call Pakistan India – and the All Pakistan Muslim League (APML).

The Congress pretended to be anti-British to gain sympathy from misguided Muslims, but the hunger stricken state of its leader, Mahatma Thin Lizzy, was such that it did not take much for him to gather pity.

It was said that he almost never ate, never slept, never drank and at times never seemed to be breathing at all. Famous Afghan philosopher-king and mountain climber, Meeda Gul Bakaoli, claims that Mahatma was actually an inanimate coat-hanger who somehow became a spiritual leader and politician of the Hindus.

Journalist, intellectual and conspiratorial bowl movement expert, Sansar Abba disagrees. According to him, Mahatma was actually a prototype German android who was possessed by an evil sprit called Pazuzu, of The Exorcist fame, and which Sansar believes is a movie based on Zaradri’s doings.

In the entire ruckus, Muslims finally saw the emergence of a savior. His name was Hazrat Muhammad Ali Jinnah Rehmatulah Alaih.

Most Pakistani historians have refuted the claim that Jinnah was a western educated secular man. They say this image of Jinnah was propagated by such malicious propaganda masters as Dr. Peter Pervez and Zoroastrian sorcerer Ard Crowley (pronounced as ‘Cowasjee’ in Punjabi). Both were on the payroll of the Christian Borg Queen.

Jinnah plunged himself in the liberation movement, vowing to once again make Pakistan an Islamic republic free from all secular deviations and assorted evils.

But just as Muslim forces led by a yet unborn Zed B Hamid were able to push a combined army of British zombies, Hindu Brahmins, head banging Sikhs and naked Jains from what became West and East Pakistan, Jinnah sadly passed away.

Secular history records that Jinnah died of TB, but the truth is, that he died of radiation poisoning when an eggplant sent to him by diminutive Hindu tyrant, Punkit Nehru, exploded in his hands. Yes, sir, such is the evil one should expect from vegetarians.

Pakistan shrunk as it lost a lot of land to the Hindus. The remaining Islamic republic struggled under the incompetence of a number of anglophiles and the constant whining of East Pakistan’s Bengalis who were on the payroll of the Hindus (all 1.1 billion of them).

But, alas, in 1958 yet another savior arrived. He was Field Marshal Air Bender Khan. Though not a very observant Muslim, he was however the next best thing: i.e. a rabid capitalist.

He turned the Islamic republic into an industrial paradise, helped in this cause by 22 very enterprising families. Unfortunately, the great Khan forgot about the rest of Pakistan. When he realised that Pakistan had more people than the Army and the 22 families, he promptly went to war with India.

Pakistani forces fought gallantly, led by a 2-month-old Zed B Hamid who almost re-conquered all of India, but was denied this victory when Khan was kidnapped by the agents of the Elders of Zion, and brainwashed into agreeing to a ceasefire.

By 1969 Ayub was toppled by Soviet agents led by one Zulfi Bhutto. In 1970 Zulfi won the elections in West Pakistan and declared victory, forgetting there was also an East Pakistan. When the Army realized this, it promptly went to war with India.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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218 Responses to “Dr. Q T Khan’s concise history of Pakistan – I”

  1. Himayun Mirza says:

    I have very high standards and as a student of science have always been in quest of knowledge and truth. I have no heistation to say that this is one of the best articles I have read in any Paksitani paper! We should fully appreciate the difficulty that this author has to face in talking about such difficult topics. In Pakistani society speaking the truth loudly is almost impossibe if one wants to live.

    When the mogul tyrant king was portrayed as a saint even in my childhood, I thougth how could he be “hazrat” after killing his brothers and putting red hot rods in his old father’s eyes? No wonder the largest mogul empire in history which was handed to him fell apart after him. If he were not that ruthless tyrant the empire would not fall apart so soon. He was the most cruel and least tolerant of all mogul kings.

    Please keep up this truth/satire combination. More power to you,

    H. Mirza, USA

  2. Jasy Batra says:

    Great Blog. Hope you could write on indian politicians. They would make a better caricature than Pakistani politicians.

  3. nivedita says:

    Cheeky guy… this NFP!

  4. sunil01 says:

    excellent..masterpiece..! keep it on.

  5. Kdspirited says:

    Excellent. But I want to elborate that we were taught history from the perspective of Ashoka and Buddha and not just Akbar and Aurangzeb. At least i was. But then again the books i read were not pakistan studies and published by the associated press of Pakistan. They were part of our curriculum in school though.

  6. Tariq, Aberdeen. says:

    NFP. This is satire at it’s best. I just laughed all the way to the end! Just the tonic to lift ones soul on a wet dreary dark, cold, wind swept evening of the northern hemisphere.
    Part 2, s’il vous plaits.

  7. rana says:

    Reading this and comments for the first time and am impressed. Now I believe that Pakistan can have a peaceful future provided the correct people take a stand and lead your country. All the best

  8. NP says:

    Absolutely hilarous………Brilliant piece…
    Nadeem is the king of sattire………..anxiously waiting for part 2

  9. Nitin(Pune) says:

    Hilarious and Brilliant!

  10. Amna Kausar says:

    I laughed all the way through this piece!! Most Excellent Piece!! :-D

  11. Arun says:

    Once again a masterpiece from NFP! You rock. Even though I am an India, I sincerely hope you write such enlightening write-up on India as well.

  12. aua says:

    I do enjoy the satire in your articles,but two wrongs don’t make a right. we can not change the thinking of people (which is needed) by making fun of them. it actually does the reverse. they’ll not interact with you and polarization will increase. to change them, one has to do a dialogue with them, and for that one has to bring them on a hospitable ground. taunting will worsen the situation.

    P.S. This is not taught in schools. what is taught is the ‘standard’ history curriculum i.e. we are a great nation with a history. every government around the world does it. it is not something alien in this world.

  13. Amit says:

    Do they really teach this stuff in Pakistan or is the blogger just kidding about this.

    • SAK,IRT says:

      This blogger is totally misleading everybody in the name of satire. No such things are taught in Pakistan History. NFP has a well-established record for such malicious articles.
      Some people are calling this article a satire, which is, in my opinion, a totally misplaced idea. Satire is directed towards some truth, but NFP, as he usually does, has totally distorted the truth and written an article which is more of a cartoon strip than a schorlarly piece in any sense. But that what NFP truly is, an amateur posing to be a scholarly analyist.

  14. Pranav Mimani says:

    NFP..

    Greetings from India, I started reading the news paper, to follow the flood news and then stumbled upon some columns by you and others. Your blogs and columns are just amazing. Because of columns from you, Cowasjee, Cyrus ..I’ve become a regular reader of dawn.

  15. Good Samaritan says:

    Simply Brilliant! :)

  16. Javaid says:

    It’s actually quite depressing that this article pretty much sums up what we are taught in Pakistan studies classes.

    • Nate Gupta says:

      Mr. Javaid,

      I am still under the impression that the article has nothing much to do with the history books in Pakistan. Are you suggesting that this article is a lot closer to the real text books in schools?

      If it is, well… shocking! Very shocking, indeed!

      • Javaid says:

        It’s satire so it’s definitely exaggerated but it’s absolutely based on the type of information we get in our schools. The simple truth is that we are not taught anything about the thousands of years or civilization which existed before Mohammad Bin Qasim. We are also not taught anything about any of the Hindu, Sikh or Buddhist kingdoms. Even the depiction of Aurangzeb as a fantastic Muslim leader who destroyed temples is completely in line with what we learn at school. Other interesting things are that the 100 years from the point where Aurangzeb dies and to the point where the British take over simply vanish in our Pakistan studies books. Jinnah is depicted as a Muslim crusader and never…never ever is his first speech to the constituent assemblies mentioned. There is also not any mention of his wife or daughter since they weren’t Muslims.

        It is quite disturbing and I hope people make an effort to learn some proper history rather than this nonsense. It’s not exactly unknown that the history books have been altered here, especially since the time of Zia-Ul-Haq. In fact the UN has several times criticized both India and Pakistan for re-writing history. On the other hand, the is no concerted effort to remove more accurate and critical history books from book stores so anyone with an interest can easily get hold of some excellent history books in Pakistan.

      • Al says:

        not exactly :p u dont seem to get the point that this is a satire :p

        • Nate Gupta says:

          Mr. Al,

          As a matter of fact, I did :)

          If you read my post a bit more carefully, I clearly mentioned what my initial thoughts are about the article. I was just reacting to Mr. Javaid’s statement.

          - Nate

  17. Sohail says:

    Absolutely brilliant!!!

  18. Asad says:

    Gr88 piece of work. Masterpiece

  19. Supriya says:

    NFP you rock !!!

  20. Nate Gupta says:

    This is really hilarious!

    Adam and delicious apples…. Playboy raja…. exploding eggplant…

    Ha ha ha :-D

    - Nate

  21. BeTheChange says:

    Restoring sanity ??

    Thanks for the laugh. Needed it!

  22. Alien says:

    Dear Paracha,

    Dunno why u hav more followers/readers from India than from Pakistan. U must think abt da reason i guess :)

    Regards,

    Alien

    • Cheema says:

      An overstatement. NFP also has a huge following in Pakistan.
      He’s one of the most well known english columnists in the country. Thanks to the net, he now seems to have expanded his readership across India and Europe as well.

  23. tanuja says:

    I wonder what Fouzia wahab has to say on this great write up!!

  24. SB says:

    Dear Paracha,

    Why do you write such insensitive truth creating uncomfortable bowel movement? Write something positive for a change.

  25. Anbu says:

    Aurangazeb banned shaving (for both men and women)…. HaHaHa…
    This wouldn’t be out of place in a Mont Python sketch.

  26. Naeem Butt says:

    Now-a-days the biggest Scientific Achievement of Muslims is the sighting of th “Eid” moon. Ironically all the tools used to make this sighting are inventions of the “infidels”.

  27. OB says:

    Absolutely brilliant :) . I remember reading about Aurangzeb Alamgir as at school and what the book said was not very far from what it says in the article. Its also interesting how easily we have forgotten Iqbal beyond the public holiday we enjoy because of him.

  28. samyak gowda says:

    It’s extremely important for any country to write the history in the most honest way. Of course, nobody has a time machine to see the history in all its truthfulness. But, maximum effort should be made to narrate it as it is, like a news story.

    I was watching this documentary by DAWN on youtube called, ‘an enemy imagined?’. In which Asghar Khan vehemently argues that, India is never the aggressor against Pakistan in all the four wars. And many intellectuals in Pakistan and all in India argue the same. I don’t think, this is what is taught in the text books.

    This disease is not just that of Pakistan. Even in India this problem exists.

    Our history books do not talk honestly of all the wrong policies of our political party. Be it about Gujarath riots and how many muslims were killed or Nehru’s foreign policies.

    When it comes to the history of Tipu Sultan, our textbooks purposefully ignore the atrocities committed by him against the Badaga community who had to leave their homes and settle in the now famous hill station, Ooty. It also ignores how Tipu imposed Persian language on people who actually spoke Kannada.

  29. skyman says:

    Marvelous NFP -indeed a masterpiece-keep it up-in fact we direly need to correct the concoctions and half truths.

  30. adil says:

    For all the people who hate this article – do you have any facts to dispute the satire? Or is it that you hate it cause its true? And by the way satire is constructive as it shows the false myths we have created and which are destroying us. Our elder generations have a lot to answer for and hence they scream the loudest….


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