Yes, I saw the most talked about pop-corn film recently at a local cinema. Yes, a blog partially written about this film has already been published. No, I have kept my testosterones totally charged and my masculinity in check (thank God for the four women who went along with me keeping me inside the closet as hard as I was unintentionally inching towards escape.)

Having not seen the first two parts to this so called ‘epic saga’, I have to admit I did enjoy delightfully adorable vampiresses engaging in skirmishes and the tunes throughout reminiscent of good times from ‘The Breakfast Club’ and such 80ish stories. The not-so-cool vampires did not trouble me as much as folk lore tells us vampires are supposed to be all stiff, cold, uptight and nagging, like the one counting sheep all day long on ‘Sesame Street’.

What did really bother me was that my friend’s Alsatian in this photo looks more ferocious, malevolent, and ready to shred apart anyone standing in her way as opposed to the soft, cuddly and effeminate werewolves who were trying extremely hard to inflict pain upon their enemies during the film. At one point I seriously thought the sheer uselessness of the character of ‘Jacob’ was going to shed his fur for the character ‘Bella’ to use as a blanket to keep her from jittering in the snow. It was only during the final battle sequence that the werewolves probably thought to themselves, “Are we really just the result of all the salvia smoked by our native ancestors, or are we actually going to howl at the moon and tear some limbs, rather than be eclipsed?”

The bottom line is, most of the characters in the film are not only inappropriately cast but they are also incongruously lacking any essence whatsoever, hence in a few of ‘Ashton Kutcher’s’ beloved words, we all just got eclipsed!

Photo and text by Hasaan Haider/Dawn.com

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